Bob's Trudge

6/13/06

2006-06-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

Man, it has been quite some time. The pirate thing has taken off and I'm deep into it. It is always funny when a new addiction pops up in my life. I am ready for parades and celebrations. I even have a festival this fall. My heals and legs have taken a beating.
The shop is doing okay. Extra advertising from the pirate thing is paying off. It all seems so surreal lately.
more later

4/6/06

2006-04-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every time I rant, I feel better? I have been working to help Hope fit in at the plunder. Both Betty and Pam have expressed some concerns, but for some reason, I believe she will be okay. Maybe, it is that old fight for the underdog since I wanted to be treated that way as an alcoholic thing.....I don't know. She is making many mistakes, but can turn it on when she is confident that I support her. I believe that may be the key. She needs a better understanding of the framework of Pirate's Plunder. If she has it, it will allow her to build from it and not focus on all the "rules" she thinks exist.

4/3/06 new

2006-04-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it isn't quite tomorrow. I just heard that Tom Delay will not seek office again. In fact, he will quit the House this May.....well, there is a God.
Now, if anyone ever doubted my feelings about the illegal crooks that run the white house, then here is a rant.
If I were Christian, I would be embarassed to have a president and his fellow henchmen consider themselves fellow Christians. They scream bloody murder at people who seek abortions.....but support the death penalty for mentally ill and children. They claim to care, but planned the war on thousands before they had even gone to the United Nations. They claim to protect the nation, but focus on our southern border since it is a nice diversion from looking at the ports and airports which both are less secure than they were before September 2001. They play the September eleventh card to justify disregard of civil law. They create "town meetings" that only those who agree with the distortions they proclaim are allowed to attend. They berate honest dessent as disloyal ramblings. They claim to be "at war" so that they can justify their actions....well, they are not at war...they have a war, but it is a mess.
Thanks to a Higher Power, they will eventually reap what they have sewn.....
Those who trusted these crooks will hopefully learn to think rather than just accept the crap that others still fork into their closet....they are the mushrooms of America....the bland propoganda hogs....they eat the garbage without looking at it first.
Now, where do I stand?
I believe we need national health insurance.
I believe we need to revamp our concept of immagration. We need to make it easier to come into the country leagally. We need to assist countries in our hemisphere with keeping folks in their own country...by helping them create ways for people to want to stay there.
I believe we need to strictly control lobbying....by eliminating any and all gifts, lunches, favors, and trips.
I believe we need to control drug companies. We need to allow people to get drugs from other countries.....at their own risk.
I believe we need to regulate the ingredriants to make Meth. We need to make sudaphedrin (sp) is banned.
I believe we should fully fund campaigns with federal money and eliminate contributions over two dollars per person (so that everyone can feel like they are participating).
I believe we should ban assault rifles and make ammunition for all guns regulated by federally run stores with computer links to allow a set maximum of shells sold to each person.
I believe we need to legalize marijuana and some other drugs to allow the "war on drugs" to change into helping the addicts rather than jailing them...and making a ton of money on keeping the other drugs illegal.
We need to regulate alcohol as much as we regulate herione.
There....is that enough to start?
More? How about telling Bill O Reilly that he is the closest thing to Joe McCarthy that I have seen in many years.
I believe we need make negative campaigning illegal.
next?

4/3/06

2006-04-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

Well, again it has been many weeks since I have posted something here. Life has progressed and seems to continue along that road of happy destiny. I have now passed another milestone...seven years. It took a few days to truly grasp. I am learning. Tomorrow, I will take some time and post something.

1/20/05

2006-01-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

The world just keeps spinning. It seems to go faster and faster.
The Plunder is taking on the task of redefining itself. It is becoming a new entity. I pray for the better. I seem to be changing too. I was so very much hurt by Larry and Barbara. I don't know what I would have done without HP,the steps, and Beloved. Recruiting my crew away to take over the Plunder when my back was against the wall was way uncool. The girls didn't bite. I was gratified. The girls came up with selling the pirate stuff to share the profits with the Plunder. I was humbled. Now, I seem to be renewed in strength enough to see Larry and Barbara move out entirely. I am hurt, but they all buoy my spirits. HP is there. HP is there. Hp is always there. I had to get there again...close. I have to every day. I don't do that well. Why was it that I used to think that it was easy to be spiritual? I remember that.....how I looked at those with time. I used to wonder why they struggled after several years of sobriety. I was shocked at their difficulties. How could they struggle? Didn't they know yet the secret? Well, times change. More is revealed. More is learned. I am just on the brink of a whole new valley of learning and understanding. It is there...the view is spectacular...both the desert and flowering gardens. It is all there...and all I have to do is have enough faith to walk down the slope and begin to explore the closeness of all that lays before me. Fear. The one thing that seems to shapeshift it's way into my brain. I can fear the world. I can fear the impending disaster without a name. I can fear what I know and what I don't know. Only faith that all is the way it should be and will be....that is my only defense. I just have to grasp onto it before the fear takes hold. How do I turn off that head of mine? It still jumps up at three in the morning and at 2 in the afternoon. It can light up almost anytime and begin the spin. That spin that can put me in terror, depression, or joy. It can be everything all at once, too. I need to remember all this. I need to remember the inconsistencies in me. I need to remember how life is just that...life. It has no good or bad. I judge the good and bad. I start that game. God says to just accept. I have to learn to stay closer to God...to be Godclose in my learning to live within the situations that face me.

1/11/06

2006-01-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

I just realized it has been a full month since I've written anything.....egads. Okay. Well, the Plunder is doing some pretty good stuff. The sales suck, but it is winter. My expectations sometimes do forget about the season. Larry and a few other dealers did leave. I felt really lost until I sat down and starting doing the steps on it. God, I just don't know how to do this stuff. I just hauled back and gave it all I had. The relief came slowly. I still is coming, but more often during the day. The serenity lasts longer and longer. I even helped Betty get back into it a bit...even though her resentments toward Larry and Barbara are far stronger than even mine. Yes, they tried to steal my employees and dealers. Yes, they tried to skeem to take the Plunder. Yes, they even started a new bank account in the same bank as the Plunder so that the cash flow would be accellerated. It all doesn't matter. What matters is that we need to continue to put out positive energy and do what we can do to make the Plunder a success. Let those who project negative energy reap what they sow.

12/11/05

2005-12-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

Man, there are times in this life that I just can't keep it all together. Thank God, there is a program that can help keep me sane...if only for an hour or so at a time.

"First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 62~

That about says it....I gotta let that old behavior go. Isn't it strange? How long has it been? Wow, more will be revealed is so much more than just a saying. I cannot believe all that life is every day. There are times when I wonder if I am truly insane. There are other times that I know that everyone else is insane and I seem to be the only one who has any wits about them. What a wonder this journey remains. As for me today? Tivo arrived and I want to play with it. Beloved is still sleeping....and it's almost ten. Man, this is tough...well, this is a better problem than I used to face LOL

11/11/05

2005-11-11T10:02:00.000-08:00

I am having a strange experience as I am typing today. I am listening to myself being interviewed on an internet recovery radio station. I am reliving some of the experiences that brought me to where I am now. It can be a humbling to hear the truth creep out of me as I waddle through the interview. At one time, I would have been smooth and comfortable at the prospect of talking about me, but not at this time. It was a combination of pain and message.
I took the steps to make PP a far more secure place. I was so uncomfortable in the process, but the result will help so many. My motives are so different from where they were before I got sober.

11/7/05

2005-11-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

Well, things came to a head this morning. Financially, the Plunder hit rock bottom. I had to make a decision...to save the Plunder, or walk away. I knew what it would take to save it, but I had to make sure of my motives. So many times in my past, I have depended on family to bail me out financially of one jam or another. All because of alcohol and drugs. This problem, however, was created out of stupidity and being naive in business. It was spawned four years ago when I allowed the boys to take from the economic base of the company and then, I failed to set boundaries along the way. I also got my little ego into things by not wanting to admit that the problem was bigger than I wanted it to be. I failed to act in the best interests of people who trusted me. I am not beating myself up, I just want to write down these things so that they will burn into my brain. I am sober....I am not doing things for the same sick reasons as before. Nonetheless, the dye was caste and the Plunder will be saved.
Tomorrow, I take the initial steps to set up the finances for the next few months. It will all come together. I will not get caught up in fighting those who wish me ill. I will not go there. I will try and stay in the light. I will focus on the program's teachings in dealing with them. I believe they are sick and are behaving in a way that shows how sick they are. I approached them in sincere effort to find out if I had done something or if there was a problem between us. They said, "No, but it was a good thing to ask". I will remember that. I will remember that my role in feeling badly was that I built up expectations of their loyalty and support which were not there. I will pray for them.

11/4/05

2005-11-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

"Most of us feel we need look no further for Utopia. We have it with us right here and now."~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill's Story, pg. 16~
Okay......so, utopia isn't always the perfect thing I thought it was. If I stick with Bill on this one, I have to accept that things are the way they are right now...and that they are the way they are supposed to be ...right now. *sigh* I once believed that utopia meant that everything would be like the Emerald City in Wizard of Oz....and they even had a poppy field...LOL.....
So much for utopia and poppies. Today, I have everything I need. Today, I have abundance in my life. I have love in my life. I have a Higher Power in my life. I have people who need and want me to be there for them. Today, I have an opportunity to give. Today, I have an opportunity to hope. Today, I have an opportunity to earn joy and happiness. Today, I don't have to drink or use. Today, I am trudging the Road of Happy Destiny. Today, I am in the Fellowship of the Spirit. Today, I am here....now......and grateful.

11/2/05

2005-11-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

For the life of me, I still have blocks and doubts that reek havoc with my faith. I seem to have the capacity to turn off the promises at a moment's notice. Fear of economic insecurity? Blam! Hello. Here we go. Then, I have to work the steps and slowly drag myself out of it. It is amazing. Sometimes, I wonder if I will be plodding my way around the old stomping grounds and thinking until I die. Other days, it is such a breeze that I think of being sure I don't get complacent. Wow, what a life. I never had it so good...so painfully good...so changingly good....and so rewarding. At the end of the day, I find myself still sober and resting a weary head on a real pillow in a real house with a real, sober, partner...grateful for every breath.
But, there are those moments. Those moments when it all apears to unravel and leave me in a pool of self pity and selfishness. But, they seem to pass pretty quickly on days.
Sometimes, it's like this morning. I took a different way to work. Work has been a real challenge this week and I needed a break. I took the river road and it was serene. I even pulled off and let a couple of tailgaters by. What a trip!

10/31/05

2005-10-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

Halloween. I was just trying to think of being a drunk and what Halloween meant...both in and out of being active in the disease. I guess it just didn't seem to make too much difference when I was drinking. One day was just about the same as another. The same routine....try, fail, pick where, park in a safe location, sleep, make it home, sleep, and then try and act "normal" for the family. Man, what a rotten life that was. I was so filled with guilt and remorse that I sometimes forget what it was really like. Halloween? Nope...nothing different except that I had to be careful about all the kids coming to the door and waking me up. And, once the kids got older, it meant even less.
Yesterday, I was consumed with gratitude. I love those days. Today, it is a bit of work, but the gratitude is still there...cooking. It simmers on some days and rolls to a full boil on others. The Plunder is taking up much of my conscious effort lately. I have to work more to save money and I am trying to the notices out to raise the rent and commissions. I also have the monthly dispair of not having enough money in the pot to cover all the dealer checks....LOL ya know, I just love it when I type "dealer" with such a different meaning than it used to mean.
I am somewhat intrigued with the concept of recovery internet radio. I need a microphone and some scheduling, but it just could be a good thing. I would need a sponsor or twelve to do it. I would love to somehow develop a way to make the internet recovery concept a way to live. I am not convinced that I want to continue the shop forever. I hadn't intended on it when I built it, but it seems to have grown over me. I will look at recovery internet more carefully and thoughtfully.
The new chat service is far superior to the old machine. Not one issue so far. Now, if the FTP can be set up, then I will be one happy camper.....egads...an "if only" LOL
Well, progress, not perfection.

10/30/05

2005-10-30T10:05:00.000-08:00

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 24~

The loss of choice seems to equal addiction. For me, it was lost at a pretty early stage of my disease. The choice left was more, "when" and "how" rather than "if". Now, the choice remains there, if I am not "spiritually fit". So far, HP has chosen to support me even though it is often progress and not perfection. I find each day, at some point in time, to thank HP and the program for the chance to be conscious yet one more day. I wonder....if I hadn't been addicted, would I have the ame appreciation for each day that I do? Would I understand the horrors available to anyone who loses site of gratitude and a spiritual path? Would I be able to see the beauty in pausing for a butterfly to pass rather than charging through the yard? There are many times that I believe we have been given the gift of sight beyond the gift of "rebirth". We have been given the opportunity to truly learn daily gratitude for all that is and can be in our lives. For that, I will always be grateful...despite myeslf.

10/24/05

2005-10-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have been a real mixed bag over the past couple of days. This disease seems to lurk pretty closely when I am the most vulnerable. I have been having those fears of economic insecurity that creep in towards this time of the month. I was also remembering what it was like for us during the early days of our relationship. My mind drifted right into the simpler form of life that I had become accustomed to and seemingly just drifted from as financial rewards drifted in. I also remembered the times in the little fishing cottage. Interesting days.
The meeting on Saturday centered on working with people who don't have the disease. It was a time for humility for most of us. I both envy and almost pity those who do not suffer from this terminal condition. They have no concept of loss of choice. They also have few tools to cope with the personal frustrations of dealing with others (you know, the ego shit). They get so wrapped up in wanting to be right....now, who does that sound like? LOL At least, we have some tools to use when we get like that. Of course, when I get like that, it is very very dangerous. I remember the pancreatitus and the high fevers. Death was almost a welcome relief from the pain...but, really, what do I know of pain. Pancreatitus is not as painful as the last stages of cancer.
In fact, I was thinking of Dad the other day and what he went through in the way of pain. I remember it as bad, but I'm certain now that it was terrible for him. In those days, they had little pain management beyond morphine or other narcotic drugs. Dad didn't take it till the end, and by then, any relief seemed to be a distant dream to him and us. I am still struck by the memory of shaving him. Standing beside the bed. Listening to Grandpa say, "Then, there's no hope?" and being so angry that dad may have heard that in his coma. How odd that the feelings of anger seem so vivid in my memory, while the feelings of grief seemed to be so drawn out that they never really hit a "fever" pitch. I was resentful towards dad's God and couldn't believe that dad's suffering was truly a good thing.
There were times that I wished him dead, but I didn't have too much regret when he passed since I was able to say my good-bye and do an amends by shaving him. That is why I remember it so....it was my way of saying, "I'm sorry, dad. I love you" Now, I can look at his hat, his uniform, and several other parts of him and I remember who he really was. Somehow, I hope the grandkids get to know who he was too.

10/24/05

2005-10-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

10/21/05

2005-10-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Friday. Today, I gave in and took part of the day off. I guess I have to set some limits on my amounts of work. I had no problems with this type of schedule when I was drinking or even six years ago. I guess, my body can't do that same stuff right now. It is funny. I am so alcoholic. I wanted to prove that I work hard, so I work twice as hard as anyone else, and I expect everyone to notice. When no one does, I get crushed. I even got weird about taking the afternoon off since, "Everyone will see me leave and think 'There he goes, again...he just doesn't care about his business' " You know, I still have some work to do in sobriety. I still have some of those little character defects that can reach up and pull me right down into that morass of old thinking. Rather than just accepting my own limitations and enjoying the time off, I had to go and build up the guilt and "looks good" stuff. Well, it is progress and not perfection. At least, I took the time off before the ambulance pulled up at the store door. I didn't even build up too much of a resentment towards everyone who didn't notice how hard I worked...LOL I spent the early part of the afternoon sleeping. It felt good to just relax without doing much. Moon and Jake are getting along well, too.
I have the form letter and to raise the rents set. I am all set to go to the next level with this financial stuff. The new dealers are wonderful. The display ability of some of these people is remarkable. It raises the level of expectations for the rest of the dealers. I have already noticed how they look and envy the appearance of the new booths. I believe that is where we are going....to another level.
Trish and I need time. I am feeling distant from her. We have this Sunday, and I will be looking forward to spending time together....but, I have to limit my expectations. It is the being together that counts. I need not add to that.
I still need to get mom on the road with her financial plans. The nice part is that there is time. She is healthy and bright. Thank God.

10/19/05

2005-10-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

Wednesday....and the body is just not as good as it was four days ago. It seems as though my stamina is affected by all the stuff around me these days. I got home after the meeting last night and went right to work to change out the broken shower head. Moon had torn apart a basket in the front room right after the cleaning lady left. Naturally, the teenagers were not there. Trish and I worked until 10:30 then I sat down and ate a third of a can of vanilla icing.....sad situation...addicted to icing...
Last night's meeting was okay. Gary celebrated his 23 years and another had eighteen months. I needed to hear the message of patience last night and it was there in full force. I am always amazed at how I will always seem to hear what I need to hear at a meeting.
No great revelations for yesterday....just tired.

10/18/05

2005-10-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

One of Trish's clients died. Overdose. She shared his story last night. It hurt. I was remembering Chip and what happened to him. It still can come up. Such a waste for young people to die of this disease. I don't think I will ever get used to that.
Trish left the note for the young people to find another place to live in " a couple of weeks". I came home to find Moon locked in the house. She had torn apart some tea containers and some cook books. It was a mess and it was late. I thought that it was retribution for my thoughts about the teenagers for a little while. I may have been, but probably not...as far as I know, my HP doesn't do that crap...but, what do I know?
The Plunder had a good day. It was busy and I needed that. It kept my mind off recent stuff that affects me. Also, the program reached out and grabbed me with the quote of the day.
"In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not beable to determine which course to take. Here we ask God forinspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and takeit easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the rightanswers come after we have tried this for a while."Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 86

It made the day almost sane.
I didn't get onto the internet when I got home because of the late hour. Much work to do there and elsewhere...but, I'm sure another day won't hurt most projects.

10/17/05

2005-10-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

Monday....
I woke up early. Voices ... both in my head and "for real". Beloved and I decided to ask the teenager to leave. The original purpose of her being in our home as long disappeared. Although she is going to school, her sobriety consistency is not improved since she stays with the same group of kids. Her friends use and drink, so it is pretty unreal for an 18 year old to hold to the program. Besides, she has added her boyfriend to our house directly against our wishes. Well, that was on my mind when I woke up. I thought I heard voices and heard noises. I thought they were moving out. I'm still not sure why I thought that, but it opened that cluttered space between my ears. And, that is all it took for a flood of self conversation to begin in there. I was, of course, all over the map with concerns, things to do, and reviews of the actions of the day before. It was almost like a tape loop of pages 86-88 stuff. Even with a pause, my alcoholic mind can sure rev up fast.
I was able to pay the big monthly expense plus the added amount to compensate for the April deficit. It felt good, but also I couldn't help but notice the date. It seemed pretty late, but volume was decreasing to it's present level. Now, it should be in better shape for this month. More prayer.
I called mom this morning and had to postpone the business until this afternoon. She was full of news regarding Ady. Ady has cancer.....bummer. It is a melanoma and very dangerous. She is getting the tumors removed, but it seems to be spreading to other parts. Mom was going downstairs for a meeting on Medicare perscriptions. We postponed the rest of the call so she could attend.
I got some stuff done at the store since I got here early. It helps the day look less long if it is clean.....now, where did that come from? LOL

10/16/05

2005-10-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I have had a few interesting days. I put into action a few things that I have successfully procrastinated on for months. I had an employee meeting. The girls want me to cut their hours to save the business. They also want to sell suveniers and share the revenue with the Plunder. They also want me to cut their wages. Good grief....I was sitting there wondering who was running the Plunder...them or me. All the things I was trying to protect them from were the things they wanted me to do. I wrote the schedule and it will go into affect Monday. It, in affect, slashes their earnings over 75% for a while. I will be working some true hours again, and that isn't all that bad. I also started the process to raise the charges to most of the tenants. To some, it may be a big deal and they will leave. To others, it may be an annoyance. Still others may become angry. It has to be done if I am to save the Plunder. I guess I'm writitng this all down so I will remember what I did at what time so that I can remember it later. I set up a draft of the letter I will use, but have already mentally changed it because it is too much like a form letter and I don't want to set off a panic. I got a hint of that yesterday when I was speaking to one tenant and she really got nervous. She is a drama queen and I don't know how many more of them are out there. I don't want a stampede of people leaving, but must take some risks in that area. It will be important to get a solid list of call in dealers prepared ahead of time.

In the inside, things seem to still jump. I get serene in reading, but actual life blasts me into reaction. Some folks said some unkind things the other day, and the girls told me about it. It smashed my insides. Too much identification with the job, again. I had a tough time even getting home. It is no longer okay for me to get like that. I scared myself. I was insane again. I can't go there...too much like the old days. The lessons screamed out to me. God was talking and wasn't kidding around with me. I was not in a good place and HP was letting me know not to stay there. I did some prayer, meditation, spoke with Beloved, and prayed some more. It got better.

I need to call mom and get with the investment thing. It has been too long since I was up there. Time seems to slip away so fast. I have thought of it several times, but procrastinated enough successfully to postpone it until now. I will need to act on it this week. I guess this is my way of commiting to action.

10/15/05

2005-10-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today was odd. I suddenly was struck with dread, depression, foreboding, and other ugly feelings. There may be some reasons since I still care a bit about what others say and I am experiencing some issues in the workplace. The process of ridding myself of fear of what others think still is a challenge for me. My self image remains tied to the business success a bit too much. I need to sever that identification of my job and my self. If the business fails, I am still the same person, just a lousy business person....and that is no secret or revelation. So, today I worked with the book Beloved left me and I did some things for us. I built some expectations in the process, but being aware of them helps in putting them into perspective. I can reduce the impact of them by not getting too critical of myself or the outcomes. The important things in life remain, and that is something new. I have always felt the rollercoaster of success and failure...the exhilaration and crushing defeat; always tied to my job being who I was. Now, I chose not to have that linkage. I am not totally successful at it, as today my atest to, but I am getting closer.

10/13/05

2005-10-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

This thing always seems to be amazing. Here, I am working on surrender, acceptance, and charisma (the process of allowing HP's light to shine through me), and learning a fairly new definition for my spiritual path....and WHAM.....the big book quote for the day blasts right through...
"Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others."Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 19
The whole process of "allowing" others and things to be as they are.....and that by doing so, I am of more use to others...in other words, in a more spiritual state of projecting positive, giving energy. Man, I know this stuff sometimes gets deep when we over analyze stuff...and I am a good one for that, but wow...this is just right down the points that I am learning.
The original revelation of returning to innocence seems to be validated, too. The releasing of the ego to "be as a child", reaching out for help from a more knowledgeable source without ego sacrifice...or even interaction. To return to innocence also allows the release of need to be right...for the innocent do not know the rules...beginner's luck is therefore a wonderful analogy. For, as a beginner, one doesn't know the threats of actions and therefore, hold no intrinsic fear weighting. I am actually looking forward to reading more tonight. The topic was miracles that I started. I find that I need to read material more that twice to get it. The miracle being the movement within the mind...the inner world to change the outer world. The law of perception and the other one that indicated that we can change the outer world we live in by the way we perceive it.

10/12/05

2005-10-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I am on the narrow pathway, boom. There I am. Right in ego city and paying the price. Last night, I thought I would take Moon Shadow to the meeting. I thought about hearing that I couldn't have a dog there and laughed about stomping off in righteous indignation. I thought of Gary and how it would make him turn blue. I also thought about the positive strokes people would give me because Moon is adorable. All that ego shit. Of course, I didn't see it as any big ego thing at the time. I had some mental tweaks that didn't sit right, but not big ones. I loaded Moon in the car and off we went to the meeting. I let her out when we got there and she enjoyed the sidewalk and gardens. I began to feel more confident about her being acceptable. However, when I attempted to open the door to the hall, she was scared of the dark and bolted. She took me by surprise and I dropped the retractable leash gizmo which clattered on the pavement behind her scaring her even more. She tore up the parking lot yelping like she was being beaten. I ran after her, but her legs were fueled by far more adrenaline than mine. Her leash got caught on the front tire of the car and she yelped until I caught up with her. I noticed some moiture on the leash gizmo, but disregarded it. I also noted some drops on the side walk and I chalked that up to urine since she had been so scared. Well, I was wrong. When we went back to the door for another try, one of the members that we passed mentioned how puppies stink. I didn't think too much of it for a minute or two, but I came to notice a rather pungent smell eminating from Moon. Whe we finally got in, got the coffee started and sat down at the table, I noticed the odor. It was very strong. Other members were kind, but I could tell she stank. She was, in fact, stinking up the room. I decided the best thing to do was to leave and get home to give her a bath. Which is exactly what we did. The whole time, I didn't realize what the odor was. Only when Beloved got home did I hear the real reason. Moon had expressed her anal glands since she was so scared. It was the gland extract that stank so bad. I also reviewed how I had put Moon through unnecessary stress, how ego had driven the whole episode, and what I could do to avoid the same thing if Moon ever went to another evening meeting with me.
Sheesh......"just when you thought it was safe"

10/11/05

2005-10-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

Beginner's luck, the knowing of what I don't know, and returning to innocence. It all seems to be poking out at me. Accepting the fact that I don't need to know. Accepting that all is the way it is supposed to be right now...no matter how it is. The returning to the innocence. Allowing not knowing to be a way of seeking rather than a threat to an ego that never served it's master. I am learning that love is something that I can let in and allow it to be. I know, I know....page 417... but it is more....It is one of the secrets to my path. I am still building a set of beliefs that will make up my path...but I wanted to remember these parts for later. The allowing of the energy to flow from within to be with that which surrounds me. To be from the inside out....accepting and loving. I often think of positive energy and the projection of positive energy as a means of influencing the world. I need to incorperate the two concepts into one. The God also must be within to project the energy since love is allowed in to tap the source of inspiration. Charisma. The source of spiritual enlightenment. Wow, lots to think about.

10/10/05

2005-10-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

Monday and another day off. I should be blasting away at creating the website for the business, but haven't even touched the Front Page program. Instead, I have been doing the recovery thing with Recovery Crossroads and KHLT. Monty is a kick and Tom is great. I have enjoyed getting to know them. I actually trusted Tom with the ftp stuff and that is a marker on the record book.
We watched Intervention last night. It is all too sad to see people turn their backs on treatment. It reminded me of the bad old days when I was just too bright to see the light of recovery in front of me. I was not done and played the cat and mouse game with the counselors. I knew too much psychology and started talking treatment styles rather than address me and my issues...after all, I had no issues to discuss.....yeah, right. Anyway, I wasted their time (of course, they had a role in that little escapade) and mine too.
My thoughts drifted into the past and how grateful I was to be on my way back to Newport six years ago. I had gone up for Laci's wedding and found it all the same....not one significant difference up there. The attitudes, physical condition of the house, the chaos of lives, all were the same. I couldn't live that way and I began to truly see that on the long bus ride home...yeah, Home...I used that word for the first time on that bus ride. I was reading the Celestine Prophacy....devouring it really. It made sense....a new form of spiritual life for me...all right there...just reach out and clutch it to my heart. That is all I had to do. I began that true third step. I had done one already, but I was doing this one consciously. It was also a second step. In fact, the bus ride ended up to be that one, two, three cha cha.......but for real. I knew I was not destined to go back to Tacoma and Jan. She was too much an enabler and dry drunk. She even fought with me when I set a boundry that I couldn't be around her parents. She said I blamed them for my drinking. I didn't ....they didn't help, but they didn't make me drink...they just were crazy and I couldn't be around them...I needed to learn how to forgive. I hadn't learned that yet. I was too toxic and raw for that yet. She didn't understand. She couldn't understand because she was steeped in denial beyond my reach. I was lost to her, but she didn't want to see that yet. She wanted to clutch and blindly hold onto what felt good.....the sickness. Growth and change were threats. She had no idea of just how far I had traveled....even at that early point. I saw the sickness in her. I even had suggested she attend AA or Alanon.....she started both...but for me...not for her. It would not work. She had no inclination of saving herself...just too much fear. It remains today. I saw it at the divorce and I heard it in her voice in that one phone call after. She was far beyond understanding or any type of relationship with me .... not even casual friendship...let alone a grandparent partnership of the loosest consistency. Sadness takes me when I think of her still. She has Cory and the grandkids. She has her drunk to be part of her life....that hole that I left. Cory was so filled with the need to please when I saw her. She almost cried out for approval of her relationship with Jeff. She clutched at his arm as I remember Jan had done to me when she wanted to show how much she needed me. It tore at my heart to see her like that. I need to pray for her. She is so lost. She even tried to make excuses why she didn't call me.....like I wouldn't feel her anger over these past years. Sadness. She needs healing but is not through. I am afraid that she will have to go far down the scale before she falls into recovery....if she falls at all. In the meantime, the children will hurt and I hurt in seeing their pain. They are being damaged....and they don't even know how much....yet.

10/9/05

2005-10-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

Well, the world turned again and I am still crankin. I am working with some folks to expand the exposure of the website. They are steeped in recovery and internet and are more experts at all this than I am. It will, perhaps, enable more people to find recovery internet resources for their use. I hope so.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my old marriage. It would have been 34 years yesterday. I also ended up going through some old letters this morning that I wrote in college. There was memories with both things. I saw my manipulations in the letters and remembered love in the marriage. My love is so different these days. So much more rational and not so "blue sky" as it was. I was in love with love and not as much in love with Jan. I think I was more in lust with Jan than anything else. Sex was still a new and somewhat unfamiliar adventure. I had no idea (and she didn't either). By today's standards, we would almost be pre teens in our knowledge and experience. How time changes.... I work so that I see those days for what they were and not what I'd like to remember them as. The mind can engage in romanticism, especially with the drugs, booze, and sex. I saw a show on LSD last night and it fell right into line with the other thoughts about those many years ago. I almost forget what all that did to a young person....that boy from a small town with Broadway eyes. Well, it is all learning.
I am really avoiding working on the company web site. It is something that I just don't relish as much as others want me to enjoy.
I am truly amazed that none of the checks bounced over the weekend. PP is still floating with all hands ready for action...even after all the turmoil of Larry. I am still at a loss as to what to do there. I have to let it go, but the anger, fear, and yes...resentment well up at a moment's notice. Much prayer is needed.

10/8/05

2005-10-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

"Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we foundwe could not place money first. For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded."~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 127~

I love that...."for many of us". Someone said to me that the third year is where you grow in financial responsibility. Well, I guess money problems prompt growth. I sure reached out for a handful of growth that year. It was in my third year of sobriety that I confused the promise that I would lose fear of economic insecurity and I would gain economic security. It was an easy transition, and I see it all the time in meetings when the promises are read. People often believe that money is the pathway to serenity that allows one to build into spiritual health. Well, I think my head used to follow that balogna and it sure didn't work that way. That third year my past wreckage began to fester. The new stuff I had created began to smell. In fact, the whole financial picture began to look rather ugly. I had gained a business and the financial health of it blew up. My old tax and retirement stuff from my previous marriage erupted as part of the termination of the marriage, and my new compulsion (the computer....duh) started to chew up the new resources at an alarming rate. Start to get the picture? Yeah, I had to really step back and do another one through nine on money....sigh. Damn steps....just when you think you could just "fuck it" your way out of this sobriety, the steps trip you right back into recovery. It was an ugly little process that I am still doing, but hey.....it's progress and not perfection.....well, the spiritual growth is leading to more serenity anyway. I am learning about that promise a bit more realistically these days.

10/6/05

2005-10-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't want to hear it.....yeah, three days straight...a new current record.

I was seriously looking at the concept of humility and being humble this morning. I sure have a long way to go with that defect...that is, not having much humility and not being humble. Anyway, the other night I am the secretary for our group. The last three weeks I was not doing my job for any number of wonderful reasons except the real one....I just plain lost interest. I know, I know....I gotta do service for others...it's part of the program. Well, the champion balker was at it again. Well, Tuesday I actually showed up at the hall at 7:30 for the meeting only to find that Gary had already started to make the coffee. I had already formed an opinion about him several weeks ago, and my little ego was doing it's sick little best to reinforce those feelings. Gary said that he took over since no one had been there for a few weeks. My little ego jumped up and screamed for me to get upset and possessive about "my" meeting. I stomped on my little ego and let Gary take the lead. I told Gary that I was just there to help and that any way he wanted to conduct the meeting was fine with me. Of course, it wasn't but I was determined not to let that little jerky ego get the best of me this time. Gary explained that he changed the format to a book reading rather than an index referenced book study. My ego clawed at me, but I sat on it. I said, "whatever you do is fine with me....after all, it's your meeting." My stomach turned over three times as I saw some satisfaction rise in his beady-eyed head (okay, okay...so you noticed the little nastiness in me). I sat there and let the meeting go on with Gary being the chair person. The reading part of the meeting took up 45 minutes so that there was just a half hour for sharing. People complained about how much reading there was....and my little ego cheered every word...it also nudged my ribs pretty hard. I had almost a good, full blown resentment towards Gary working up in me. The meeting ended, and I helped clean up and put the books away. I had to accept that no one started drinking in the meeting and that people felt pretty positive on the way out based on the tone of the "meeting after the meeting". I locked the door and stepped on my own toe. I had to learn that it was just a meeting and no matter what happened, it wasn't all that important. Life and humility lessons go on.......

10/06/05

2005-10-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

Well, one thing I love about the right is that they eat their own. Now, they are pissed off at their president because he didn't choose a nut that meets their wishes for the Supreme Court. I love the way that some of them actually take Rush Limbaugh seriously...like he really knows of what he speaks. I can't help but dash over to Fox News cable channel just to see them scurry around trying to support their side while shooting themselves in the foot over and over again. They didn't learn a thing from the Democrats. They are dumber than dumb when it comes to political sophistication. Their little Tom Delay suffers from hoof in ethics disease while Bill "I have a semi-blind trust" Frist has done a great Martha dive. Not to be outdone, the white house wimp conducted a press conference. George looked sadder than normal as he stammered out the same old tired reasons for continuing to kill our young people in Iraq. He snickered at the wrong times so that his private jokes remained safely in his cluttered mind. Funny, wasn't he the only one to laugh at his own jokes? Even Bill Clinton came up with a priority for the lost workers in New Orleans. His suggestion was to make hiring them as a priority and requirement for reconstruction contracting. I don't think Haliburton really took what he said seriously....why should they? They have no competition. It's too bad the American people are still waking up. The press seems to smell a bit of blood in the water, but are far from a feeding frenzy. Well, we can hope they learn to be OUR press rather than the republican's mouth piece.

10/4/05

2005-10-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

"It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come."~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, A Vision For You, Page 153~

I have seen several aspects of this passage since March, 1999. I have walked the pathway with varying degrees of success beyond not picking up a drink. The "God Shots" happen almost on a daily basis. When my energy flow is positive...truly positive, not that phony shit that I can put on to look good.....the real inside thing, well.....then life is livable. Beloved related something she got from a healing conference...that people are meant to live in conflict and that we alcoholics and addicts avoid conflict through the use of drugs and alcohol. We numb out the conflict in an effort to find spiritual peace. It is just the opposite...we need to find the peace within the conflict to live. In other words, we need to learn to live in conflict and remain "calm" within. A bit heavy for this troll, but I will chew on it a while.

Heard from Laci. Jackson was accepted into the program and will be getting some special help in preschool. Another God shot.

10/3/05

2005-10-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

There is a part of page 132 in the big book that says that we don't get caught up in the state of nations.........well......that is about the group....Individually, I...for one....can get caught up in the state of nations in about one nanosecond.
George and "the boys" have been putting out so much bad energy for the past five years that sooner or later I knew it had to come back and whack them. We alcoholics and addicts see the return on the negative investment of energy and can recognize it in others....especially a dry drunk like our dear misguided (and "misunderestimated") George. Why, Chaney alone pretty much could take credit for enough bad energy to creating the Katrina disaster. Tome Delay and Frist are both "on the rocks" with Delay headed for a "permanent beaching". All will find it a refreshing "come upins" in the mid term elections. The Demos lost their majority because they got complacent, corrupt, and arrogant. The Republicans did not learn. Even the normally devious and astute Karl Rove got a bit big for his britches (no small task) and spewed his poison once too often. I think the boy may end up in hot water like his compadres. All this without Ken Starr. What a miracle!!! "Get 'er done!"
I recently found out I had been "sold out" by a person who I considered a confident. I had not done anything shameful, but some information I shared could damage the Plunder. It was all used to actually attempt to discredit me. I was being attacked by those whom I had provided favors. The information was used with my creditors in an effort to suggest that the person sharing the information could better serve the creditors than I could. It was a pretty viscious attack, both at character and business practices. Well, I am alcoholic and have not been all that positive myself lately, so I had a role in this. I put out some negativity and this came back....ouchie....I hate that stuff.
Well, we will be stronger for all this.

10/2/05

2005-10-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

I am neither disciplined nor really all that reliable when it comes to commitments. Well, I won't be all that hard on myself....okay, I'm just easily distracted...by almost anything and everything. Now, the wet macaroni is put down, I won't flog myself anymore. It has been a long time since I wrote anything on the trudge...so.....well, here goes....
The world keeps turning. Mom's house is sold and cleaned out. I procrastinated on both activities within the whole project. At first, I really had a rough time being ready to let go othe the house full of memories. Then, the market looked a bit loose and I had to start the process or miss the peak sales time of the summer. The house was on the market a total of one day. The agent did a great job of researching, marketing, and actually finding a buyer that mom fell in love with. The young couple wanted to keep the core house and remodel it to meet common standards of today. Dispite some of mom's friends getting in the way when it came down to researching the price, it all worked out. I had to get a bit firm with some well meaning meddlers, but all is well. Cleaning out the house was a chore. It took several days. I went up last Monday and spent the whole week on the project. On Saturday, Mindie, Laci, and Sean all helped. It was fun to have them there and my eyes moistened up because it was the kids .... there.... renewing the energy of the house. Mom always loved to have the kids up. The love was there again. I set up the picnic table on the front porch and the last meal served at the house was with the kids sitting at the table dad made. It was family...and my heart thumped pretty loudly. On Sunday, dear Sean returned for a few last runs with the truck and the loading of Cory's truck. Sunday, before he arrived, it gave me a great opportunity to say goodbye to the house, trees, and all that made up the family house for those 50 years. I allowed the tears to join me as I felt so embraced by all that the home really meant rise within my heart to share the sunshine. I saw the trees that mom and I planted, the big maple that sheltered and threatened the house for those many years. The barn that dad built, and all that was my playground as a child, my brooding ground as a teen, and my "home base" serenity in the chaos of my adulthood. It now represents mom's spiritual power and it will always be that from today forward.
I met Cory's Jeff. They are engaged. I just noticed that the word "gag" is included in that word. Anyway, I met the mother, too. They all seemed so ill at ease with me, the situation, and with everything in general. They were almost jumping around....ready to gain approval from someone who has truly no right to judge. I found myself just uncomfortable, but tried to send positive energy to all that surrounded me. I tried to listen to Garrett as he responded to the prodding prompting of his mother. It was just so familiar to that old way of life. I almost smelled booze on all three of them. I know Cory had been drinking the night before, but was surprised to smell it on mom and son. Anyway, it is none of my business if they drink or not. I do know that Cory does, and that still stings my heart. I want to save her, but I know I can do nothing until she wants to be done. Sad.
I saw Gavin on the trip. He is working on putting his life on a direction with his Aimee. It is good to see him happy. He was most affected in a sad way by our drinking. He was the lost child. He is finding his way. We have found each other when we are together and I look forward to just being with him. He is of good heart and soul. I am so glad he has found love.
Now, I need to work with mom on providing for her financial security by getting her into some investments that will yield constant income for her.
The Plunder is still operating, too.
Life is good. Trish is my beloved. The kids and animals are alive and kicking....ahhhh, what a wonderful life.....
Thank you, HP and program. I am not perfect, but it is progress.

9/1/05

2005-09-01T06:04:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I am feeling "flat" about all the suffering in gulf coast? It is something I noticed at the whole 9/11 crap. I just felt distant, removed, not emotionally consumed as I saw others were. I looked at it and said inside, "Yeah, and there are people dying all over the globe. We are no worse off than anyone else...in fact, we're better off than most."
I realize this is rather callus and unfeeling for all those families, but I can't help but feel we have media exposure of our troubles, while we only hear of genocide in foreign lands when it affects foreign relations with the government. The untold human suffering in our world far surpasses our little events here, in America. Only a couple of thousand people died in the whole 9/11 thing...not a million ... not six million. How many million people have died of starvation in Africa since 2001? How many people died of poverty related issues in the U.S. because of government neglect of the problem since 2001? They both make Bin Laden far less of villain. Sure, blowing up buildings isn't good. Ask those in Oklahoma about that. Ask them also about the millions they got because they lost people in a terrorist attack. The answer was none. No telethon and no millions. What made 9/11 special? It was "them", not us. One of our own blew up the building in Oklahoma....not "one of them". "They" did it....."They" are to blame. "They" are the inhuman things that we create so that we can kill without remorse. We can kill "them" because they have the faces we put on them...not the human face that sits in the mirror every day. It is so different when there is a face.....like Cindy Sheehan. The "anti war" movement is something you can be for or against, but how can you be against a suffering woman with a face and name? You see? It is so important to put labels on things....like Fox News does so subtly. They are masters at dehumanizing those who criticize the antics of the "dry drunk" group that holds our country hostage. The fear masters do it....you see? Yep, even I can do it, too. I can create that same faceless monster...but, there is no Fox fanatic to spew the hate on the air like they can so well on that ugly example of "the right"..... the group that is so filled with fear that they may not be important that they scream their hatred loudly and repeatedly to de humanize all those who think.
Now, if you think that is rambling bullshit.....welcome to my brain this morning. LOL
Sober? You bet! Thank HP for another day of reprieve.

8/11/05

2005-08-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

Thursday. Another summer day. The clouds overhead will slowly burn off and it will be warm (for the coast) and I will be busy at the store. The Plunder is doing better this year. People remain grateful for it being there. Compliments continue. I am procrastinating on getting the web site done. I actually paid the state's part of the payroll taxes and have all my reports in on time. The light bill is current and I am ahead on the other expenses. You know, I am feeling almost bored with it....LOL. Isn't that the way it is with us....if things aren't in turmoil, we become bored......sigh. Well, as my sponsor said, this too shall pass.

Yesterday, I forgot what it was like to have an 18 year old in the house. I went to get my shower before work and found the bathroom occupied. Some 45 minutes later it was still busy. Yep, no hot water for my shower.....sigh. Well, my role is that I waited to get my shower until I needed it....and I didn't take into consideration anyone else's needs when I decided to wait.

Mom's house inspection yielded some things that needed attention. Small wonder since the place was built in 1932. I saw that it would cost some 20 thousand to have them fixed while the house was selling for over 750 thousand. No sweat.

Gotta get some internet stuff done. I seem to procrastinate on much of it lately. Rats.

8/9/05

2005-08-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

Man, two days straight...new age record.
Mike, the real estate person left a message last night. The couple buying mom's house had some issues with the inspection. He stated that it might mean a loss of over 10 thousand or even 20 thousand dollars in the sales price. I cracked up. Here, the house is selling for seven-fifty, and I was getting freaked about 10 or 20 that should probably rightfully be taken off for all the work the couple will have to do. What a trip. Anyway, after the initial bullshit response in my head, I slowed down and realized that the couple was the real important part of the transaction. Mom doesn't need the whole seven-fifty to remain secure the rest of her life. She will be fine with anything over seven as a start and five as a finish. I keep forgetting her other assets and ongoing income from her retirement funds. Plus, her expense base is so small that the whole concept of security alters as her life progresses. Only her medical remains an area of financial threat, and that is greatly differed by medicare and her supplimental medical coverage. Man, I gotta relax and keep my eyes wide open....and allow myself to build the faith.....still, growth over yesterday.
The Plunder plowed ahead. Pam is doing great. It really helps to have three of us rather than just two. Customers began to get under my skin yesterday. Threatened? Perhaps. I think I may have some self esteem issues in the bullshit about being humble for them. Of course, there is always that people pleaser crap. It seems to crop up so easily. It really emphasizes the fact that my ego and self esteem remain fragile and vulnerable. More growth...sigh LOL

8/8/05

2005-08-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it's progress and not perfection. Let's see....where to begin.
Trish and I are beginning a new chapter. We are nearing one year in marriage together. It is almost nothing like I anticipated. Life in sobriety continues to befuddle me. I know now that I am an "romantic expectations builder" that plays right into my sex needs area and into my insecurity in relationship area. I have the tendency to build scenarios that which do not have clear motives in celebrating the intimacy we share. I build the scenarios to meet my needs....just a little more of the self centeredness oozing up from the depths with the help of HP..more will be revealed....shit. Anyway, it is valid and something I had never seen before (rats). More growth, more pain, more time in the book and with the program.

Recently, Trish gave me a puppy to celebrate our upcoming anniversary. I have never been good with animal gifts. I need to "get ready" to have a puppy...including forgetting all the crap that goes along with those formative days and months.

Not only was mom's house put on the market, but it sold. Blew me away. After all the crap I went through about letting it go, it is on it's way in record time. Not only that, but a young couple will be buying it and remodeling it. I would have bet heavy money that a contractor would have snatched up the property to divide it and build two houses. Nope, the best of three offers on the first two days on the market was the couple. They are willing to pay a developer's price for the property. I couldn't wait to get off the phone with the agent and call mom about it. She simply said, "You see, prayers are answered." She just took my breath away. She has been able to do that all my life. Anytime that I believe I have the universe somewhat "in order" and understandable, ........blamo. She pops up with the real reason that things are the way they are....I gotta lot of work to do in getting my ego out of the world.

I took over the Tuesday night meeting so that I would not have to clean house until Trish comes home. Right now, I am chuckling to myself since I would love everyone to believe I took the meeting to advance my own spiritual awakening......LOL....well, hey....it is a big book study group and I need to get more into walking the walk. I still find is so easy to hide and just talk the talk. Something about honesty here.....sigh. LOL

I have also accepted that I'm about as disciplined about regularly writing as Moon Shadow (the new puppy) is about shitting outside. Time, study, meditation, prayer, and patience with myself....one day at a time.

8/2/05

2005-08-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Man, the world sure spins when I stop trying to drive. Mom's house got listed after over three months of successful procrastination -- the program works if you let it. Trish and I are still learning how to have a relationship. It is amazing to me how difficult it can be to learn how to truly listen and not miss sentences, phrases, meanings, or complete thoughts. My sensitivity sometimes takes a holiday and I blank out on complete conversations. The urgency and determination to learn how to have a relationship is encouraging to me....it's because it means so damn much. The fear of failure gets in the way of honesty, at times. I didn't come clean on the new puppy for a while. Dogs just take me longer to accept than cats. Dogs are a commitment while cats are almost self-sufficiant from day one (or 6 weeks of life).
The Plunder is actually solvent today. I haven't completed the design of the new web site, but it's far closer than it was....progress not perfection. I am learning.
You know, sometimes this learning shit takes longer than I like. LOL

7/31/05

2005-07-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

Time seems to melt into a blur of days and weeks lately. I seem to be dealing with issues both with sobriety and with family. Mom's house sale is finally started and the Ramstead family is just about as screwed up as ever. I am learning how to use the steps in building Beloved and my relationship, but it isn't always easy.
It appears as though I have the capability of shutting down my hearing without knowing it? Yeah, I 'm a bit confused about that one, but Trish has given me two instances where I just plain didn't hear what she said. It isn't the old "filter out the painful stuff" thing that I used for a long time with Jan. This is just plain missing the boat. Even though I want to hear what she has to say.
I worked through getting the puppy as a gift okay. It took some prayer, but it is working out. I just don't like getting a pet as a gift. It takes me a while to get ready to have a pet.....I just have a rough time when it is thrust upon me...for whatever reason.

6/5/05

2005-06-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

I find it so strange that I have so little self discipline after all. I know I am sick son-of-a-bitch, but I didn't realize just how sporadic my efforts would be when other things began to creep into my life. Here I am, supposed to be journaling every day and "Whappo" not happening at all lately. LOL I am not going to beat myself up, though....not worth that misery....nope, uhuh, not this time.
The Plunder is going okay. I have made some progress on the cash flow problem since Val left. Just means that I have to work more often....and that was "one of those things" that gets in the way lately. I will keep it up for as long as I can.
Trish and I seem to be doing okay. Passion is not a part of our life lately, but I feel close to her for other reasons. She has been going through a real transition. She is leaving Discovery and going over to another agency. Her bosses have really shown their true colors in the move. It is sad that she has had to put up with all the crap for so long. It will be good to see her in a different environment.
The kids are cracking me up. With the two litters arriving a week apart, the house is full. Although two have died, the rest of the kittens seem to be doing okay. Zoe's litter is so different than Minnie's. Minnie's is lethargic and quiet. Zoe's kids are bigger, noisy, and ready to go even though they were born a week later. The others in the house seem to tolerate the new ones. Even Frodo has returned and makes himself at home. Spanky has disappeared and has not come home for over a month. We believe he is not alive any more. There are raccoons and other creatures that probably got him. He was a "true male" so it is anyone's guess.
Inside, I am a bit nervous. I am wondering if I have lost my mind. I have gone through other periods like this. It seems to be my disease trying to break through the great wall of HP. It seems to signal that I have to get closer to HP. Well, I am listening. This week affords me some time to accomplish a few things...including some HP time.
Today is a day of beginnings. I just spoke with a book guy and we share the same passion for Clavel's writing. That does it. Tonight, I start Noble House again.
I knew I needed something....maybe HP is talking with me. I broke my glasses, the windshield wipers shredded when I started the car, and two lights were out at the Plunder....yep.....HP says it's time to get moving again.

05/28/05

2005-05-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it has been ten days since I entered anything. Well, here goes. My head has been all over the planet. I have been both serene and troubled. I still haven't broken throughthe barrier to sell mom's house. I just haven't worked through all the emotions. I also haven't called her because I am afraid she will ask me about it. Well, that shit has to stop. That is the old behavior that got me here. Anyway, I am working through all that crap with my sponsor.
The Plunder seems to lumber along. We survived the Chamber of Commerce coming and camping out for a free breakfast and publicity shots. I was my "charming self" yuk.
Just a whore for sales.
Trish and I are doing okay. Seems like a new level, but I don't understand it all. Of course, I rarely do.
I feel the need to do this daily again. It feels good just to get it out on "paper". I also have political an other views that I might include. I just get so filled with stuff that I have to put it someplace. It hasn't been the greatest the last ten days. I look back and I was dealing with some of the same shit ten days ago. I need to grow, not wallow in shit.
More tomorrow.

5/8/05

2005-05-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

May seems to be racing by. I have to pause and allow my thoughts catch up to what is going on.

The Plunder is still afloat. The landlord and his potential rent increase bit has been overshadowed by his festival plans. The cinqo de mio thing was yesterday. I look at John and remember what it was like when I was trying to pull off a big project or task. It was that same set up that John is going through. His level of expectations exceeds his capabilities then crashes down around his head. The self destructive behavior goes far beyond that. He just plan goes crazy and does anything he can to later build the guilt and misery. I used to set myself up every day for that freight train to smash. No thanks.
Our sales are building slowly compared to last year. Lots of return customers.

Two cats pregnant....yipes. Minnie and Zoe. We just didn't get them in fast enough. Now, we hate to do the abortion thing. Well, we'll pray and check others for adoption. There is no way we can keep these guys. We are overrun as it is.

Trish is in a new place with the job. Her bosses have now confided in her and are sharing their plans for the office staff and the eventual "saving" of the business. She has resolved her feelings and now feels as though the business is completely under a Higher Power's control. What will be, will be. She is okay with riding it all out to see where it all lands.

Mother's Day was done with a bit of class. Got mom some flowers. I think I am finally ready to deal with the house. I will call the bank Monday and set it up.

Friday night was the Speaker's Meeting. I was amazed at how many people showed up. For a small coastal town, over two hundred people showed. I know some came over from Salem and Albany. It is just a special moment to look around at all that recovery and know that it is local. De Ett did a great job. That girl has gone through a bunch.

Inside, I am feeling better about me. I will have some major moments in the next weeks, but it is okay.

5/2/05

2005-05-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

I almost have avoided posting lately. I am avoiding some things. I don't like it when I do this, but I learn from it. I didn't start on Mom's house. I learned that I still had some pretty deep feelings about it and started to break up because I lifted the phone. I was just not ready to face the fact that it has to be gone. I have to let it go. I have prayed since. I feel better today, and may pick up the phone. My choice is either today, or tomorrow. I gave myself an out....but HP is prodding me to do it today so that I could heal a bit tomorrow if I need to.
The HP thing is becoming more real every day. By now, I should have completely given myself to HP, but I don't think I did. I think I hung onto me. I think I may still be harboring some self that even I don't know about yet. Well, more will be revealed. Anyway, HP is pulling some of that "mystical" stuff. I need a good day at the Plunder....and we have a good day (if I do the footwork of staying close to HP). If I relax and allow things to "be" around me and not try and manipulate things, things seem to peacefully pass. If I allow myself to be comfortable with Trish, we are a team and things move forward. If I let financial stuff stay with her and not worry about it, we seem to just live. My controlling money kept me sane (at least I thought it did), but this helps, too......if I let go.
Gotta give the kids cards this week for the birthdays. Laci's is easy while Cory's will take some doing. I don't want to force myself on Cory....just keep the door open.
We have to get a trip set up to go up there, too. The house, the kids, and of course -- mom.
The cats are doing okay....Frodo is hurt and two others are prego....God, we gotta get them all in for operations this week. I am reluctant to terminate the pregnancies. That seemed to feel good to type. I guess we won't term the pregnancies...but will definitely get them fixed when this is over. As for Frodo....he needs to get fixed before he gets killed. That guy has never been a fighter....he's a lover.

4/29/05

2005-04-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to feel a bit weird. What is this? Everywhere I turn on the web are people with massive issues and problems in their life that promote them to whine, moan, and be so bloody depressed that they seem ready for the glue factory. Sober24 web site is filled constantly with woes of relapse and misery. Other sites have people dying, morning, moaning about their lives, and in general, muttering in their own juices. Shit, I just don't feel like being miserable. Sure, there are plenty of problems around me and that pull me one way or the other, but there will always be reasons I "could" be miserable....there always have been....I just don't want to be miserable any more. I don't want to swim in the same goo I used to. In fact, I refuse to. I find myself almost running from the postings or conversations that begin to slip into the swamp. Is it insanity? I don't think so. I think it is "healthier" (can't believe I used that word).

Frodo came home this morning after another two weeks of "doing his thing" in the neighborhood. We gotta get that boy fixed.....now. Zoe and Minnie both look pregnant. God, two litters? LOL ..... where are those teenagers that want a lesson in life? Well, at least the kittens will be very cute and pretty easy to find homes for. No, no more staying here.....we have enough....why do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself? LOL

I brought the checks home to do for the second time. I think it is an easier way to get the job done. Val's last day was yesterday. I am tempted to hire a person under the table. Gotta think that one through. It doesn't feel like progress, so I am leaning away from it.

Trish is still working her way through her work thing. Her I Ching came back for subordination. Not her favorite theme. Time will do it's job and we will end up where we are supposed to. I just have to stay supportive and available for her.

4/27/05

2005-04-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

Some days seem to be more serene than others. Some moments seem to carry more internal turmoil than others. Some tasks seem easier to put off unitl the next day....even when they carry small penalties associated with them. The important things always seem to be done, but some days, the enthusiasm may wane a bit. Hmmmmmm, seems to be one of those days when I feel just kinda "here".
Trish is still addressing some issues with her work. Her boss is doing what her boss always does. They just don't "get it" and keep repeating their old behavior. I actually have to thank them for teaching me about repetitive behavior patterns. The consequences, regardless of the pain, still don't deter them from repeating them. They are fellow trudgers and it shows what a dry drunk can do to a couple...or individual. They have been in this situation for almost six years. I know I am judging...and that "aint right" but, it is educational. I pray for them, as does Trish, but the stuff just doesn't go away. Trish pays the price for them...which eventually is repaid by some subtle means. It is just a learning ground. I feel like there is so much more to learn.
Laci called today. I need to get going on mom's house this next week. The appraisal is the first step in the sales process and I have to start it. I hesitate so much because I really don't want to see the old place go. There are so many memories there. I walk through the house and am surrounded by the ghosts of growing up. I have to let it go. I have to allow mom to get the fruits of her security.

4/25/05

2005-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since the twentieth? What a trip. Anyway, life keeps rocking on, of course, with several bumps to keep things interesting. How about this...
Trish is thinking of leaving her job and moving on.......The Plunder is back in financial mayhem because the landlord may have reconsidered his increasing the rent.......I have procrastinated on Mom's house to the point where Laci emailed me.......and Zoe (the cat) is pregnant..again. Okay....well, life was never supposed to be boring. And, interesting enough, I'm not completely whacko....well, almost. Yes, the Plunder thing weighs upon me. Yes, I have financial concerns about Trish and me both looking at other directions in our work life. Yes, I need to get off my ass and get going on Mom's house again. Yes, if I'd get the cats neutered and spayed we wouldn't have another litter on the way. Well....too fucking bad LOL! The important things in my life are okay. I'm sober. I love Trish. Trish loves me. Mom loves me. I love Mom. I love my kids. Most of the kids love me LOL. Hey, nobody said perfect. Look, it just has to be someone else's big thing. I will not ruin my life over all this. I will get going on Mom's house today. I need to call a bank and get the appraisal started. I don't even have to get it done....just started. I can't do anything about the Plunder except start the rental increase process for those that I can do that with. I can't help Trish about her job other than be supportive and "there" for her. I can't fix the kid that doesn't love me any more than I can solve all their other issues in life. The big book quote for the day almost set the stage for today...
"Everybody knows that those in bad health, and those who seldom play,do not laugh much. So let each family play together or separately asmuch as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free."~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 132~
I want to stay in that for the day. I got a day off and it is not time to sit and stew over the state of nations or the bad things that could, might, or maybe won't happen. Today, I want to love Trish and be with her. I don't give a crap if we clean house all day....I just want to be with the woman I love and have a great time. So there!!!! LOL I wonder if that is being selfish or self centered? Probably........but it could be a lot worse. I'm gonna build a bit of faith today that things will be as they should be and will be.

4/20/05

2005-04-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Man, lately I have been inconsistent. This is in line with some of my thoughts, though. I have been all over the place on several issues. I noted some problems I felt with belonging in several of the posting boards I tried to frequent. It was true. I had been trying to spread myself too thin. I decided to cut down on the number of places I devote time to. It seems to have helped the old serenity meter.
I finished the pages for the group and posted them on the site. I emphasized that they were informational and not a promotion of the group or it's activities. I believe that to succumb to the temptation of promotion would be contrary to the traditions. I may have come close to the edges a bit, but I was wary of the boundary and attempted to steer clear of that razor edge.
Trish and I seem to be in another growth phase. This is a good thing. We have been talking more about what is happening inside each other. I even shared my feelings about April 19th and Jan's birthday. There are a ton of memories there, and not all bad ones. It is so easy to romanticise about the past. I had forgotten that. It happens without even trying to focus on the good.....I think the mind generally likes to skip over the bumps in the road. Well, to allow my alcoholic mind to do that would not be a good thing....been there before.
The busines is in cruise control. I need to find another employee that will fit. Thinking and will turn that one over for a day or two.
Mom's house ....it is time. I will be calling an appraiser next week. Now, there is a ton of memories. Wow.

4/15/05

2005-04-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

Of course, once I set a "rule" , I immediately violate it. I seem to have the opportunity and want to post this morning. I am both restless and content. I know, I know....not both....well, I am. It feels a bit weird, but I have this warm, comfortable feeling. I also feel driven to get some computer work done today that I have put off for about a week while I rummaged through some feelings. I was detached and feeling like I was sliding down a slope...but not really...just disjointed from some of the elements of my life. Hmmmm, looking back, it is a matter of scattered thinking without a clear goal set...or at least that is how it appears. I was uncomfortable about posting on some sites and was not doing it with a "flow" that I had felt before. I suggested to myself that I had lost the return to innocence posture I had adopted early in my recovery. I needed to return to that path of spiritual seeking for me to refocus myself back into the light. Now, I find that may be a step, but not the complete package. I need to also set up something else that I am only slightly aware of ....no, that's not right....I just don't trust myself that I know what I think I know. I believe I need to set up some priorities for my thinking beyond the simple framework of returning to innocence. I don't want it too simple.....LOL....I have to complicate it as much as I can LOL....oh, the sick mind is really turning this morning. Anyway, I know I need a bit more than the framework....maybe.

Trish and I enjoyed another night of peaceful fun last night. We seem to be working on a new level. We both agreee that we are feeling a sensation of closeness beyond what we felt before...and for once, we aren't feeling fear in this new place. It so often is a bit scary to share more. The whole concept of intimacy seems to take on such a different meaning when I work a relationship. I wonder if all types of relationships take the same work as a romantic relationship? Could that be why friendships have always felt almost one sided before? Duh....man, lots to do on that stuff.

4/14/05

2005-04-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Business is pretty constant. Far better than last year. I find moments of true gratitude that spark the enthusiasm to generate the energy I need to do the deed one more day.
I try and keep it all in perspective with varying degrees of success. It is not the end all that it once was. I refuse to be the work I do as a source of life energy. That is over. I am not Pirate's Plunder any more than Pirate's Plunder is all there is ....it is only a place to help others and provide happiness to those who visit.
We had a good evening last night. Trish has had some work issues...again. Her counseling group is as sick as their clients. The place has been committing suicide for some time and it is finally starting to rot from within.
The internet stuff is traveling down a different path lately. I started to reintroduce myself into the return to innocence mode, but the journey is a bit slower to get back into it. I need that sense of wonder in my life.
My mind drifted back into the Jan days yesterday as I drove to work. I was thinking of the girls, but then those thoughts of Jan and her obsessions crashed the party. I even thought of her lawyer and that bit about the inheritance crap. God, what a bitch. It took my serenity away for a moment until I let the whole thing go as I watched the scotch broom on the side of the road. It was Sheryl's flower as we grew up. A weed to most, but a signal of spring to her. I think she liked it because it bloomed at her birthday.
This morning, both Trish and I started to clean the house before we were really even awake. Remarkable. I wanted to be free of guilt to play on the computer. She wanted to help me relax tomorrow. What a life!!!

4/13/05

2005-04-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

I seem to need to look at some stuff. I am feeling out of touch in some of the online recovery sites that I have frequented over the past year. Some I feel completely lost in. I am wondering if I am going through a bit of "I don't fit anymore" feelings. I used to get those all the time. Those are the times when I used to say that my antennae were broken. I would get a sense of not fitting in and then I would look for data to support my assumption (or belief). Of course, I could always find enough to substantiate how I felt. A sick mind can do anything in the world...as long as I never have to leave my own head. Well, it seems to be happening a bit. Thank HP that I have a program and can even be sober enough to see this thing happening. Getting back into the swing of the groups may take some humility -- a commodity not in excess in my supply depot. I will hang back and watch for a while. That may be the best course. I will not isolate...leave...since that is what I want to do. It is another growth opportunity...groan. Thanks, Rick.
The Plunder keeps forging ahead. It seems that every day is above last year. I will have to consider hiring another person to keep the ball rolling this summer. It has been a good ride...despite my own misgivings. I have to keep putting the energy out there...but I do need to change the "bit" I use at the welcome. It even sounds routine to me and that is no good. I gotta keep it green. I do find, also, that I use up a tremendous amount of energy each day....I think that is because I am forcing some older behavior to work for me. That people pleaser crap again. I can't let it take me. I need to find something sincere in there for me to cling to so that I can still personify the friendliness and energy of the joint. I have to keep my sanity, too.
I just had an epiphany of something I have let slip from my consciousness. Return to innocence has somehow faded from my words lately. That is what I just may need back in my life....innocence and the quest. I had forgotten....guess I got too grown up there. Sheesh.

4/11/05

2005-04-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

In the process of moderation...sigh...I've begun to try and post only every other day instead of daily. This may change (as most things tend to do) as things go along.

I just don't know what to think of business. The Plunder is rolling along at higher than last year leaps and bounds. I need to relax with it, but I get so exhausted. I tend to use so much energy plowing through the greeting "bit" with customers and energizing the floor that at the end of the day, I'm totaled. I don't think it is healthy in another way. It is that old people pleaser performance shit from long ago. I can pull it out of a bag of crap available for me and dance the dance yet one more time. At first, I thought it was okay for me to use the defect for the betterment of others. I think that was just rationalizing bullshit. I was working the crap for me...the adoration and self ego bolstering. Step time....I've got to get some balance on that shit...and now. Summer is coming and this could just plain eat me up for the rest of the season.

The meeting on Saturday was a trip. Lots of old faces hanging out...and new. I looked around and wondered if it gets even more weird as time goes along. More and more retreads. More faces, all older but not wiser, coming back into the hall -- full of the pain I can remember so well. I hear their words and just shake my head. It wasn't all that long ago I was sitting where they are. I don't want to go there, again. Man, does that sound a bit too old for six? Damn ego still pervades everything I think at times. I wonder if thirty years will finally get this shit out of my head?

Gotta get started on Mom's house. I don't look forward to that, but it is something she and I both need to face. This month is a good month to start it. Appraisal first, and then the sale.

I will be designing a page for the group. I wonder if that is against traditions for me to tie it to the site so I don't have to pay extra? Will have to check it.

4/9/05

2005-04-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday morning. The pope is in the ground. The stocks are flat for the week. Bush hasn't stuck his foot in his mouth for a few days. The Republicans are quickly forgetting about Terri Shaivo and returning to circle the conservative wagons around Tom Delay. Even Sean Hannity is having a rough time finding recent quotes by Democrats to spew his vitriolic hate message about. Well, it seems like almost a fairly calm moment.

I called mom the other morning. She is doing okay. She was having some thoughts about going on a bus trip up to see the tulips in the Skagit Valley. She is also helping people at Brighton Court. Now, that is the mom I know and love. She is already reaching out. She also helped me.

She filled in some memory blanks for me (now, there is a turn around...she helping me with memory). Dad died in 1970 on March 28 or 29 (even her memory has some limits). That fact helped a lot. I had trouble with the timeline from 1969 to mid 1971. It seemed to be a fairly traumatic time. Mom's help also allowed some clarity in another segment of my life. March to mid April seems to be a time of great change in my life cycle. Death, sobriety, business beginnings, relocations, divorce, and birthdays......all in that time frame throughout my life. Odd. Something to look at and to study.

The Plunder seems to be doing okay. I actually had enough money to pay the bills and the dealers. The increased sales at the end of the month helped. It will mean a challenge this month, but hey.....we'll put that in the hands of someone more powerful at this point.

Trish and I are working. We share better lately. We seem to be growing into a new plateau. The making love thing is working itself out. I need to relax and all is going as it should. When I remember that, both our needs are met.

The internet stuff is becoming almost over burdoning. I have almost too many sites I am involved with. I will have to moderate (yuk) my activities.

4/7/05

2005-04-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was responsible and irresponsible today. Weird, huh? Well, not for me. I seem to be able to go from one extreme to another in a heartbeat. Or, sometimes, I can be a little of both at the same time....like paying the bills, but sending the wrong check to two different companies to piss them off. Also, the important bills always get paid first....like the cable bill, or the computer bill. I still tend to want to do the things I want to do when I want to do them. Who should set the priorities? I seem to be spending some time on that lately. I can get real selfish and set all the priorities based on what Bob wants....but things don't often work when I do that. I need to somehow put others before me. If that is the case, then why am I sitting here typing? Sigh. Okay...so, some things will get done that are good for me. Now, about the rest of the crap. I guess, I have to put Trish, the kids, the human children, Mom, and the customers before me. Isn't that a bit of a martyr? Sigh. I gotta spend some time on this.....wait a minute. Could this be my alcoholic mind doing it's masterful work on me? Is this the disease complicating my simple question? Sheesh.....grrrrrr......back to the big book. Page 86.
I will never quite become the master of my own sobriety....thank you, God.

4/5/05

2005-04-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have had it with being overweight. Man, it seems to take so damn much pain for me to make changes. I have all the weights and exercise bike stuff I need about twenty feet from me right now. It sits there, gathering dust. Going on three years since I did anything serious about the weight thing. Damn. I just hate it when I do this...but, it is a matter of growth. I will use the steps on this one. I gotta. I just don't have the will power to put myself through the pain of getting back into shape without them. Rats...well, no time like the present.......

4/4/05

2005-04-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll ever get tired of the surprising journey of recovery. It isn't always the big stuff. It can be those little moments that seem to sear themselves into my brain.

The other day, Rich came in and haunted the Plunder for a while. I love to watch the little old ladies and mothers look at Rich and cringe. They tend to keep their kids close to them when they see his grizzled looks. If they only knew what a cheezy facade that all is. Rich wants to be liked and accepted. Granted, his stalking people gets him into legal battles, but that is one of his defects and it is not my job to point it out to him. I loved it when he expected me to be intimidated by him when we first met. Granted, he looks a bit scary, but I knew he was a pussycat inside. I also didn't think he would attach me because I no longer deserve it...well, most of the time. Anyway, Rich has tried to take Trish and me captive and we didn't allow it. I think he understands that and respects us. Anyway, Rich needed money. Now, there are a ton of fellow trudgers I would never lend money to, but Rich isn't one of them. Rich always pays his debt off when he says he will. And, once more, he proved that to me. God, thank you for guys like Rich who show me so much about life.

I had to buy a birthday card quickly for Trish because I got distracted while I shopped and forgot until I got to the checkstand. There were people behind me as I dashed back to the card section in Thriftway to get one. I scanned several turn things, but spotted one with shells. Grabbed it and read. It said some basic stuff, but I thought I could expand on it. God, you helped me grab that card and dash. It was perfect -- well, almost perfect. A God shot in Thriftway....LOL.

I am finding some peace within, again. I have decided to just wait for Trish to move into sex when she is ready. I am growing comfortable in my skin to allow her to move first. For me to be concerned seems so silly. Time is relative and we have some body image issues we both are working on. I am finding patience and understanding (I think). We'll see, but it feels better anyway.

The Plunder had a good week of sales. It still amazes me how that can happen when it is needed. It may just be able to help people for a while. At least, many hundred are finding joy in walking through the aisles.

The web site is going along with little problems. I am trying to think of ways of rewarding those who help with the monitoring and stuff. Maybe, I shouldn't. Service is service. Nice try. Nope, I really should find something I can do for them.

4/1/05

2005-04-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I wonder if this is what was trying to come up? I believe I am finally able to grieve for Sheryl. I have not done that. I didn't grieve for dad, either, although I believe I started several years ago. This whole time lately has been emotional. Perhaps, I am finally learning how to let the emotions come forward without compressing them into "manageable" chunks.
I feel the release of joyous memories of Sheryl. Today she would have been the big 62 years old. Wow, hard to imagine her being that age. She was just my sister. She was just the nemesis of my youth. My sister who I loved and tortured. We did enjoy the family game of chiding each other at the dinner table with dad being the instigator and referee.
Mom was the mournful observer, pleading for peace. There seemed to be some invisible line that dad only knew. He seemed to be able to sense when things needed to tone down. He never raised his hand, but his strength was never challenged. It seems we children were managed with love. We were never threatened with deprivation of love, but just disfavor seemed so tragic. Well, Happy Birthday, Sis.
The Plunder passed the four year mark today, too. Of course, I love to tell the story of the business being tied to Shery's birthday.
Another day in Paradise....a sober Paradise.

3/31/05

2005-03-31T06:47:00.000-08:00

For the life of me, I will never understand this recovery thing. I know it is not my job to understand it. I just have to do it. My state of depression from the other day is lifted. I just followed directions and worked with others. It worked. I prayed with Trish and Rick. I worked with my sponsees. I worked with a couple of other folks while at the shop. I focused on doing rather than thinking. I did things...not simply stewing in my own self pitiful crap. It brought me back to closer to the center. I am not the one to judge whether I am sane. For me, it is too easy to work into self delusion. I may still go and get some help. The cycle has only been there three or four times in the last six years, but it sure seemed ugly. I don't think I want to do that again. It was so lonely -- even though I had people around me, and I reached out for more. It certainly was better than the "using lonely" I had while active in the disease. That bottom was worse than anything I have ever known.
I also built a gratitude list. I hate the cliche of them, but if it works, do it. I built it around all the things I knew and loved in my new life. Of course, while I was building this, I was thinking that I was about to lose them all, but I had to ignore those thoughts as best I could until I got the list done. It helped.
This morning, I am grateful that I can look back on it rather than looking all that crap in the eye. It helps me to appreciate what I have -- including whatever sanity I have, too. LOL

3/29/05

2005-03-29T20:20:00.001-08:00

There have been several times I have believed that I am going crazy. There have been other times when I had self doubts. Today, was a time for me to feel the full fury of terror and despair. I hate this crap because it creeps in and then explodes. In talking with Trish tonight, it has become a pattern in my sobriety. She suggests that I need to speak to a therapist and discuss the possibility of bi polar. I am really gun shy of doing that, but I know I can't do this day too many more times without splitting at the seams. Here is the deal.....
Any....and I mean ANY thought train goes to a terrible and horrific end. No matter what I start thinking about, it ends up in disaster. Money? Disaster. Our marriage? Disaster. Our intimacy? Disaster. The condition of the silverware drawer? Disaster. The ridge of soap around the top of the shampoo bottle? Disaster. The vacuuming of the carpet? Disaster. Business? Disaster. It isn't the instantaneous thinking, but the prolonged trips down a long line of events that end up in the dumper. If it was just the think "A" then "Z" path, I could almost handle it. Instead, it is the "A" then "B" ...then a minute of stewing about "B" and then "C" .... then another few minutes to let the impact of "C" to really sink in and then "D".....always downward, always energy draining misery. I had no energy to fight. I prayed for relief. I prayed for help. I called Rick. Rick seemed to understand and said that outside help might be needed. I started to run out of gas quickly. I began to see everything as being a momentous effort. Everything was almost too complicated to get done. The vacuuming was too much to do -- far too much to get done....and wasn't that the belt wearing out as I listened to the motor seemingly falling apart inside the machine? It was all too much. Fortunately, once I got to work, it was enough of a distraction that I was able to compartmentalize the feelings until the shop closed. I started to slide down the hill on my way home. By the time I got here, the tears were all but bursting from my eyes. I shared with Trish. I was far beyond worrying about her rejecting me. I needed to let some of the shit out. She was wonderful. We saw the pattern starting a few days ago when I started to pull away from her. She had seen it and made a comment, but I had rejected the concept. We discussed it more and saw the slide as a gradual breaking down of my spiritual contact to the point this morning when all broke loose. We talked further and noted that I had never dealt with any emotional issues beyond the steps. I had not gone to treatment or therapy since being sober. I had never really looked at why I had drunk. In other words, stuff was coming up and I didn't know what to do with it, or how to understand it. I don't know what stuff it is, but apparently, I want to hide it, to stuff it. I don't like it, whatever it is, and tend to divert my fear of it into anything available. I will need some assistance that Trish can't perform. I need some help that I can't do for me, nor can the program. I need some counseling help. Weird, huh? Well, I love to pride myself on my "put together" program and can be ready to share the successes....so, how about sharing the inability of the spirit to accept life on life's terms for this one, cowboy? LOL Okay, so now some help might be a good idea.

3/29/05

2005-03-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

3/28/05

2005-03-28T06:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, now Jake has hit a new high (or low if you score that way) on the whacky meter. Jake, having alcoholic parents, does have some moments, but this one beats them. His theft behavior is getting way out of hand. He brought in a plant in a 4 x 4 flower pot last night. We can only guess that he is bringing in the plant as some sort of compensation since the cats have a cat box. This way, he has something to pee on. His past record was the three pound, twenty four inch chewy that he could barely carry. This beats it.

We had a fairly busy day at the Plunder. Easter really shut down Newport, but not us. We were the only pagans around and snagged the available customers. People continue to amaze me with their persistence in getting to the Plunder despite the rain and wind. I felt the gratitude swell yesterday as people brought guests in to see the place and remarked about the uniqueness of the decor. There seems to be a fine line between feeling grateful for the opportunity to produce a thing like the Plunder and pride in being the source of people's positive comments. I have to remind myself that inspired action brought about the Plunder and not my ego. I did the work, but there was some sparks provided by HP made it all possible. Of course, the financial crapola is all me...and that brings me back to reality.......in a heartbeat.

There was some real comfort in the evening. I decided to just relax and allow us to be as we are without expectations. It seemed to make things easier in my head.

3/27/05

2005-03-27T07:51:00.000-08:00

I am convinced that few people have common sense. Yesterday, the wind blew at a pretty constant 40+ mph. It wasn't too cold, but the wind and rain were nasty. It is the last weekend of many spring vacations and many families are at the coast. I saw families walking from the La Quinta at the corner down to the shop some 200 yards. What a trip. We ended up with a solid sales day when the place should have been a ghost town. I even had to get a bit brusque with some kids. Parents just don't pay attention to their kids. Good grief, I'm sounding like one of the old farts.....LOL. I even had to push people out of the store a half hour after we were supposed to be closed. Yes, I am grateful for the business.
Trish and I had an easy evening, however, I continue to think about the work we do in the relationship. I am on not expecting the type of physical relationship I might desire at times. Trish seems content not to go beyond hugs and kisses far more than me. I know this is a private topic, but it is also part of my journey -- the transition in expectations from one relationship to another. With Jan, sex was one of the only components of the relationship that encouraged togetherness and some degree of trust. Therefore, it played a far more important role in the relationship. For Trish and me, it is still important, but far less of a focal point. I also think our age and sense of marriage is different than when we were young adults. I do believe we have a fairly healthy sexual compatibility, but the frequency of love making certainly has fallen off since our marriage. Hmmmm, sounds like I need to work with her some more. Otherwise, I wouldn't be so interested in justifying the situation here. LOL....well, here we are --- therapy on the fly with a wacky weirdo. Okay, okay.....enough for this morning...

3/26/05

2005-03-26T07:33:00.000-08:00

Well, another day off passed without me slumping into complete oblivion. Got the house cleaned in the afternoon and enjoyed a movie that I have seen several times already. I wondered about that. Why do I pick the movies I do to watch? I tend to pick one of people overcoming adversity and succeeding in some personal challenge. I watched "Ali" again. I even get a tear going when I voluntarily go through the emotional ride with the characters. Okay, so I like to identify with the concept of overcoming...of conquering fears...of (groan) taking credit for the act of winning. Rats, and here I thought there would be some good reason for me to watch those films -- some logical and good reason. Instead, I figure it out in an instant...it is an ego feeder. Damn.... LOL. There I am, taking credit for something that almost never had, fought a bit all along the way, and still have -- but not by my will...by HP's intervention. Sigh. Well, nobody said I was cured. LOL

The Terri Shiavo disaster continued. The parents gleaned national conservatives' attention and spurred them into a frenzy of exploitive action resulting in.....zippo. Even Fox "News" was toning down the rhetoric as she dies and the polls reflect that people don't buy the "murder" and "crucifixion" analogies. The "torture" now is reported accurately as my old dream.......oblivion through painless journey into the void. It is almost comical to watch the tempering of the rhetoric. Politicians are receding back into their holes. Tom Delay has suddenly dropped from sight. He was the crusading hero with Frist and that Speaker of the House. All were the conquering heroes perched on pure white horses, ready to charge into the hospice and save the suffering woman from those who would kill her for "dubious reasons". Even old George hid beneath some sage brush. They haven't stopped going after the judiciary yet, but it doesn't help them when the key judge in the matter is a full blown Christian and is thrown wrongly out of his church because he made the judgments he made. "Compassionate" conservatism?

3/25/05

2005-03-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

This stuff really cracks me up. So, I do praying for guidance. I do some praying to release me from the insane thoughts I have regarding the meeting. I do some meditation to calm my spirit. I do some mind set work -- don't get emotionally involved....don't engage....listen.....just listen for the message and facts.....don't commit.....don't get threatened....it doesn't really matter.......let it go. I drive to the restaurant. He starts the conversation, and bingo...it is far easier than I could have ever believed. I just shared how screwed up I was and how it came about. I didn't get him too specific numbers, but in general. And, the rent doesn't get raised. I get into the stuff about being manipulated by the business park owner to be at odds with the property manager....and we laugh. Good Grief....another lesson in faith....you know, I hate it sometimes when the program is so right...and that sponsor....LOL.....gotta kill Rick. That bozo is so right, I want to hug him. Thanks again, HP....sheesh.
Was totally drained last night. Trish and I just collapsed on the sofa. Got t shirts for the Plunder....kewl stuff.

3/24/05

2005-03-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

This quote is coming home to roost for me

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 62~

It is time for the financial stuff with the Plunder to be dealt with. A statement from the landlord reflected the new rental rate. It is a full 24% increase in rent during the past year. It might have been weatherable, but my failure to deal with employee taxes makes the situation impossible. After the initial moment of realizing the situation for what it is, I called the property manager to let him know that there is no way I can pay the new rate. I was honest in telling him that I had created a financial situation that dampened the cash flow to the extent that I cannot absorb a 24% increase in a fixed cost. The increase computed to a $13,000 a year increase in rent. I did not feel it necessary to share that it was a tax situation that caused the problem. There is a strong part of me that is screaming that vigorous honesty means to be complete. I am not sure that I should reveal more than sharing the general idea of what is happening. The quote above came ringing in my head. I had created this situation. This trouble is of my own doing. Now, I'm stepping on my landlord's toes and he will probably retaliate. The property manager referred me to the property owner. The manager told me to call the owner and talk with him. I called Shashi. He asked me if I were current on my rent? I said, "No"I need to remain humble. I need to listen without defensiveness and learn what has to be done. I meet with him at noon "to have lunch". Of course, my mind has had plenty of time since the call to project everything from nuclear holocaust to them hiring me as the permanent manager for the industrial park because of my superior talent. Of course, the more ridiculous, the more plausable -- ah, the sick mind of an alcoholic on a "fear run" of thought. Yep, just a fear run. I realized it about ten minutes into the mental gymnastics, but decided to let it play out....with the addition of the serenity prayer and a call to my sponsor. It will all work out as it is supposed to. I need to listen, stay out of the way, and listen to that inner voice of calm reason...with a spicing of sincere humility. It is my issue that prompted the situation here, and I need to keep that in mind. Gee, can you imagine? I'm doing this without a half load or even a blotch of scotch LOL What a trip. Well, that is one thing that remains regardless of the transitory nature of money.....sobriety is God powered and it will be here tonight.

3/22/05

2005-03-22T19:15:00.000-08:00

It is a late entry today. Yesterday, a great day of doing very little, is over. I spoke at length with Laci on the phone. How odd it is with the kids. Polarity...Laci at one end and Cory at the other. Gavin, someplace in the middle. For everything Laci is, Cory is not; but Gavin not like either but also like both. A family. My heart bleeds hearing that Cory continues to drink and to suffer all the behavior dysfunction that our disease can offer. She is not near a bottom, but she is not getting any better. Laci, the child saved, can drink like a normal person. I think she is spared. She does, however, know the disease and watches herself carefully. Gavin, seems to be the lost child. Gavin drinks very little, if at all. Laci took Katie and Garrett to mom's place. Cory didn't go. Mom wants to give Katie all the precious moments figures, but is concerned with where they will be kept until Katie is old enough to keep them safe by herself. I told Laci that I will not tolerate any conflict amongst the family about mom's stuff. Any disputes will be dealt with by me and in a firm manner. We will have no Aunt Vella thirty year resentments in this family. I also warned Laci to get the trailer out of the garage. Without the car, it looks vulnerable to theft. Jan is weird enough to go off the deep end if something happens to that trailer. She is not a very stable dry drunk.

3/21/05

2005-03-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

Man, I gotta pray on this whole Shiavo affair. I know I am concerned that sometime I might be facing this situation with Mom and I fear someone might barge in and try and keep her alive past her wishes or mine. Even though she has a living will, radicals for life seem to be everywhere these days. They seem to want to poke their long noses into all phases of the American life. Okay, Okay....no rant today.

Trying to get a bit better with some stuff. Didn't hear from Gavin or Cory on my birthday. I started to get upset with Gavin, but couldn't remember if I called him on his birthday. Gratefully, I remembered that I had. I still needed to release my feelings of disappointment that he didn't call, but I have not always been there for him. He is reflecting my behavior some times in the past. I need to allow him to be human, too. Cory didn't call, but she hasn't been doing anything in the past six years to suggest that she would. I have done some release stuff with her in the past, and will evidently need to keep doing it.

The storm lifted. I was shocked that people still came in at the height of the storm. The Plunder seems to be okay. Of course, finances suck, but it is fun on a daily basis. Because of the people, I can not focus on the money part too much (until I sit down at a keyboard....sigh).

Got a day off today and want to do some computer stuff. Need a day of rest...again.

3/20/05

2005-03-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

Walked through another birthday. It was okay. Started the day off with a rant and it seemed to release me from the "stuffed" feelings. I wanted to rage for a moment. I think I needed to release. I had not exercised and was feeling "full".
The Plunder was packed. It is kinda fun to see all the people having fun. By three I was drained and had to start to leave. By four I was at the point that the day was done. Picked up dinner and headed home.
I actually had some crap come up while fixing dinner. I was almost resentful that I was cooking my own birthday dinner. I stopped and thought about those feelings a moment. The choice was to share the feelings with Trish, or let them go. The choice was based on whether I believed the justification of the feelings. I pondered and realized that the feelings were based on very old and selfish motives...expectations. The old self centered expectations that I be catered to, honored, served on my birthday. I chuckled and let God have that crap. It was a healthy moment and I let myself enjoy the growth.
Trish got violently ill. I believe it was the sour cream even though I had checked the date as I bought it. Anyway, she was ill more the night. She is resting as I write this, but it was a long night for her.

3/19/05 Rant Day

2005-03-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, this blog is a recovery blog. This journal is about my thoughts and actions in recovery. Well, here is a rant...a loosening of some shit inside me that I don't want to hide anywhere in my consciousness or recovery.
The fucking Republicans are going too far. They have politizied the culture in a hell bent attempt at control for a ton of years and this latest bunch of shit is just too much. The far right Christian pompous, arrogant, self pious, bigoted, judgmental, assholes have infringed their fucking opinions and beliefs on us, too. They now got some power because we have a dry drunk in the white house. That lying bastard....yeah, he's a fucking liar...it takes one to see one, and you can't fool we alcoholics who used to lie for a living.
Listen up, fuckers....
Leave the Shiavu family alone. Those people have had enough pain since the "accident" that started this thing. Don't you stupid assholes listen to doctors who have examined her? Her cerebral cortex is liquefied......it is shot, done, kapute, gone. An asparagus has a better chance of returning any type of life. Let her go in peace.
Marriage between two people is a beautiful thing. If the two are men or women has no affect on my marriage. There is no threat to anyone's marriage. You stupid dickheads just love to think what those people do behind closed doors. You pricks are the ones who buy more porno than any teenager or other curious soul. Your false purity is visible to us who have visited the gutter in our life. You can't hide because we've seen you there. Besides, it's none of your fucking business.
Tell reverend James Dobson to get a fucking life on a mountain top where he can play God like he wants to. Reverend Dobson and his whole distorted group has nothing better to do than to sit around and look for sin in every aspect of life...except their own. You, you fucking dipshit, leave Spongebob Squarepants alone.........he isn't gay, gay loving, or even anti Christian....he's a stupid sponge.....sheesh.
You thieves who take money from people seeking faith should go to Hell. Jerry Falwell, Pat Roberston, Jimmy Swagart, and that fake Indian healer whoever the fuck he is......just leave people to find their God without you interjecting your own needs and wants. You assholes ought to be lined up and sent to Siberia to convert the muskrats to your way of thinking.
Republicans, leave the world alone. The word acceptance does not mean to make other people believe as we do. Not everyone wants to be America. Not everyone believes in your agenda. Not everyone wants George as a friend. You wanted a war...you got it. You wanted oil, and now you are getting it...from the wilderness.....you dicks. Over one hundred thousand people died in Iraq. How many Americans have been severely injured? You know, I can't quite see that number anywhere? How much are you boys and girls doing to make sure their medical care and rehabilitation is taken care of when they come home in pieces? Oops, did I see cuts in the veterans health care benefits???? hmmmm......pricks.
Fox News is a Republican, conservative front. Sheesh....news means reporting the news with a fairly, or reasonably objective viewpoint. Bill O Reilly is a fucking lying, self serving egomaniac. Sean Hannity is a lying asshole who loves to bully people who unwittingly go on his show thinking they may get a fair shake....wrong. The rest of the wackos (except for Greta) are so far right that John Birch would have rejected them for being too radical.

Ahhhhhhh that felt good. Now, I pray for all those assholes. I may wear out my knees, but I needed to get rid of that stuff today.

3/18/05

2005-03-18T07:44:00.000-08:00

I used to call it amateur Day. It was always a fear filled day for me as an alcoholic. The police would be out in force. The roads were dangerous for a drunk driver -- odd parallax view, there kid. The whole concept of a dangerous place for a drunk driver is a bit weird. Anyway, stupid amateurs messed up the bars. They didn't know to go outside to throw up. They just became those sloppy beer drinking slobs......like the guys I drank with. I, of course, was a superior drunk. I was not that garden variety of blue collar trash. No, I was a classy drunk who drank scotch and dramboie in a tumbler with no ice because it wasted space. I was a classy drunk that would drink paint thinner if I had to. Beer took too long and was just too much work. That was the real problem. Drink, piss, drink, piss, drink, piss.....what a routine. Of course, add a shot or three and you didn't have to drink as much beer....and you "ralphed" more than you pissed. What a trip. To top the whole St Patrick bit off was that incident six years ago. Two days sober and I am smacked in the side by a drunk driver. The panic and eventual surrender to the reality of what I had to do was remarkable. The first instinct....run. The second instinct......hide. The reality...go and face the trouble and pray no police (no license, insurance, etc). Only to find that the other driver was tanked and wanted to leave...quickly. Well, I didn't want to continue to drive on a revoked license because that was dishonest and I had just entered a path that required vigorous honesty. So, we both retired from the scene. My metro half destroyed on the side while his hiked up four wheel drive monster truck barely scratched. I laughed all the way to a meeting. My passenger, William, could barely breathe for an hour. LOL

Yesterday passed with only memories of "before" times. St Patrick's day is no longer anything to me other than a day to watch out for those amateur drinkers. Funny, I still do that even though my motives are far more pure than they used to be. Work was positive. I can see the sales increasing. People are returning because of the energy we put out there. I now believe in my heart that it is the energy generated that makes the business turn.

We played over dinner and we worked through the caseload of clients. Trish is perceptive and reflective. I tend to be animated and engaged in the process more. We make a good team in that respect. We compliment without conflict....just uproarious laughter.

It is time to take the web site complex to another level. I am not sure where it will go, yet, but the visitor rate has substantially increased. The information side of the complex needs attention. I will also have to make a decision on the E Card service.

3/17/05

2005-03-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

The day was fairly peaceful. I was reflective of the prior day and truly grateful for all the well wishes of those I know and are still meeting. I kept thinking, "It is HP and the program.....they are miraculous". I watched a film to kinda remember ..... Leaving Las Vegas. Ghastly images of drinking's worst aspects.....but, there was this little tiny squeky voice saying, "Man, can that guy put it away" with all the envy of a kid watching his hero hit a home run. I laughed when I thought about what spun through my head. I rewound the tape and watched it again and allowed my mind to travel down the road....much faster and further....to the guy's death. The message got through.

I did the Irish dinner thing for Trish and we enjoyed the quietness of the house. The kids were dashing all around, but the peace was unmistakable. There is something serene in the base of our relationship. It seems to be the trust that we both are sick and that we both are working on the relationship this time. I had never worked a relationship before and never really understood the term. Boy, do I know? wow....Thanks, HP

3/16/05

2005-03-16T10:14:00.000-08:00

Feels like the day after the night before....LOL
Well, the dance is over for another year. The efforts to avoid the nuttiness of prior years worked pretty well. Progress not perfection. I still got a bit crazy...Especially yesterday, but the overall affect was very positive. I got to put down the thoughts and those memories of the days building up to the turning point so I won't forget them more than I already have. It was, just a beginning, too. The real work and the slowly opening of the eyes continues. My sight improves daily. The picture isn't always pretty, but it's far clearer these days.
Trish got me two nifty bracelets for my birthday. They are silver and turquoise. I've never really worn any bracelets and this will be yet one more change for me. They are pretty bulky so it will be easy to know that they are on. Trish's card touched me deeply. I don't see through her eyes. The me I see isn't the same as the one she sees. It is a life of contrasts.
Work yesterday was pretty fast. Peggy called for the rent, but it is a few days away. The financials aren't looking good, but they will have to be whatever they are. I will still need to make some changes, but we are on the road and that is that.
The online recovey community was very kind, yesterday. I am humbled by what they have become in my life. What a miracle all this is.
The memory of those first days of sobriety came rushing in just now. William and Greg.....two very crazy people in the chaos of their bedlum created environment. The madness that infested that family was the product of the disease. How the hell did I stay sober in the middle of all that craziness? LOL......yeah, I know.....Thanks, HP.

3/15/05

2005-03-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

Six years ago....
The day would be sunny. I packed the metro carefully for it was the day to start the trek down the Oregon coast towards California. I wasn't sure, but I thought it might be okay to take it easy on that first day and get to Lincoln City or Newport. I remembered the family staying in Newport on our move to California. It might be prophetic for me to do the same thing on the first day of my trip to oblivion (sick mind again). No breakfast. I stopped to buy new socks, underwear, and a expresso at Target (real class) on the way out of Longview. The thought was that I might not get to do laundry too often and I needed extra pairs "in case" (more sick mind working). I remember stopping at a rest stop before the Oregon border and taking a nap. My shakes, pain, and other joys of hangover were taking their toll on my ability to drive. The sign in the center of the bridge over the Columbia river caught my eye. I was leaving Washington for the last time. The self pity rose a bit and I remember taking a walk down memory lane until I started getting confused with the path through Portland. I left Interstate 5 at Bourber street where I had stayed the week before and traveled south along the avenue into Tigird where the main exit from Interstate 5 joined for the route to the coast. I think I was saying good-bye to the Red Barn, and the motel (that I am sure the owner had been cursing me since I left). I remembered that I had not used my real name and address at any of the motels I had stayed at and would continue that until I got to Arizona. I decided on Robert Blair as my name since it was close enough to mine that I could remember it despite any temporary condition I might be experiencing (like being close to passing out LOL). Another rest stop and another nap. The sun was out and the traffic was murder. I made sure I was right in the middle of it. I think it was HP messing with me, but at the time, I cursed fate because my flight from my past was being impeded. The traffic finally broke after Newberg and I began to move at a good pace into the coast range. The car heated up a bit and struggled at some of the steeper parts of the highway. I was nervous about the car's condition for any real mountain pass travel. I had also packed the car full of stuff when I left the house. I had unloaded it at every hotel, sometimes wondering why I brought what I did. Like the rope that reminded me of dad. I also thought that if I had gotten stuck, I could use it to get a pull out of trouble (now, there is some drunken logic).
I had stopped for coffee along the way, but by the time I got to the outskirts of Lincoln City, it was after five p.m. and I was in major need of something to settle the increasing shakes. I needed to eat. From memory, Newport wasn't that far away and I could eat dinner in Lincoln City and still have time to get a room in Newport in time to take in a local bar before being too conspicuous. I spotted a McDonald's and pulled in. I remember ordering a Big Mac, 2 cheeseburgers, large fries, and coffee. I knew that it might be a while before I ate again. I took the food and sat facing the counter (an old practice I took up when working for JIB). I was eating okay. The food seemed to want to stay down, today. I was watching the counter and kitchen folk (just like I always did in fast food restaurants for years). I noticed that the clock was wrong. It was a half hour fast. My food was weird. After working in the business for so long, I know how to test my food when it is fresh to see if it is hot, and my food was cold. My coffee was cold, too. I didn't understand it. I remembered seeing the steam as the girl had poured it a few minutes before. It dawned on me that I might have passed out, but the Big Mac was in my hand like a second ago and that I was sitting upright. Everything was okay, but the food was cold and the clock showed a half hour past what it had when I sat down. To this day, I have no idea what happened to that half hour. I noticed that my hands no longer shook even though I had only taken a few bites out of the Big Mac and munched a few fries. My head no longer pounded like it had all day. My stomach felt okay....empty, but okay. I also had an urge to find an AA meeting. I remember thinking that I should take the food up and complain about the temperature of it, but what if I had just "zoned" for a half hour. They might cause a problem and call the police. I didn't want that type attention, even though today, I know they would not have done a damn thing. Anyway, I threw the food away. I got a refill of coffee and headed out the door in a bit of a confused stooper of sorts. I needed to find a meeting. The past seven years, I had gone to some meetings, but drank right after them. I was court ordered and resented them. Not on that Tuesday -- I wanted to go to a meeting. The phone book at the McDonald's outside phone was gone. I went south down Hwy101 to a market and noticed a phone out front with a phone book. I looked up AA and found a hot line number to call. I made the call and found out that the next meeting in Lincoln City was the next day. That was too long for me. I needed to go to a meeting....now. They told me that there was one in Newport at 8 pm that night. They told me directions to get there. I knew I could make it with time to spare. The weather had turned and it had begun raining. I started the drive to Newport. I was calm, but determined that I needed to get to a meeting. All thoughts of drinking or food had left me. I was totally obsessed with getting to the meeting. I remember sitting in front of the building watching people approach it. I was not scared of them. I had this feeling of both utter despair and hope. I felt both at ease with things and lost. I knew inside me that I was defeated. I knew I could no longer fight, but unlike what I felt just before leaving the house for the last time, I felt okay with the defeat. It didn't make sense at the time, but I was okay with defeat. It was okay that I didn't have to fight anymore. I had hope, but no idea what the hope was for. I just let things go the way they seemed destined to go that night. I went into the hall and even had to ask which room the meeting was in. I walked in and sat down. I introduced myself and said that I was an alcoholic. I had said those words many times before, but this time they seemed to have a more profound meaning. I was welcomed. I listened that night. I was given a big book that I clutched to me like life itself. I was overcome with the irresistable ferver to stay in recovery. I needed no one to convince me, I was open to anything anyone would have told me. A guy came up and asked if I had a place to stay. He took me in that night. I sat there in his front room, amazed at the scene around me. His house was bedlum. His kids were all over the place. Three other guys from the meeting were loudly discussing life. Greg (the guy who took me in) was talking a mile a minute and I could barely keep up with him. And, in the middle of all this chaos sat a guy watching a movie as though he was the only person in the room. I remember marveling at his peace and concentration. It was Richard. Amazing guy. Anyway, the bedlum continued until they all went to bed and left me in the front room alone. I opened the book and read in solitude. Although I had looked at the book before, I consumed it now. I read until the sun came up. I watched the sunrise alone. I was sober, grateful, and full of a newcomer's conviction to stay sober one more day. I haven't had to take a drink since.
I have retraced my steps that late afternoon looking for the answer of the missing half hour. Of course, there was no answer ..... other than the obvious. HP had finally lost patience with me to come around and forced the issue. I don't mess with HP about all this too much. Such power is not something to mess with. I just do what I'm supposed to do (well, at least some of the time) and pay attention. That's it.....spiritual awakening at a McDonald's ....what a pathetic burning bush LOL.......deep fried burning bush....sheesh. Ah well, I gotta be grateful that HP didn't give up on me. I had years before. Now.....a new year....ah, what surpises do you have for me this year, HP? What an adventure!!

3/14/05

2005-03-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

In the interest of accuracy, I've screwed up somehow. I got a day off in the six years ago thing. Somehow I doubled a day earlier....I got one day off in things...but no matter. The days of the week and the dates are the same this year as they were six years ago. I got the car fixed on Saturday. Sunday, I drank in "celebration". Monday, the fourteenth, I picked up the tags in the morning and got a hair cut. I was mentally being the ultimate martyr and preparing for the push south to Arizona. Since the car had only two and a half cylinders, I set up plans to take the coastal route to california to avoid the mountain passes. I would try and keep it as level as possible since the car had no guts. I also fantasized about being like some lone hero in exile, taking part time jobs without sharing who he really was...a mystery man of no history. God, the sick mind can really build a romantic role when the self pity button is pushed all the way to the floor. I would be the "man with no name". It was right about there that I realized that I no longer had the banjo I had taken from the house. I had no idea where or when it was lost, but it was gone.
Ah, another reason to drink...and so the day went...romantic fantasy of my fate, drink, more self pity filled romantic fantasy, drink...then sleep.

The Plunder continued the progress towards spring sales. It was busy. Trish dropped by with Jake for the second straight day and lightened my heart. I went stupid on her comment that the house needed a thurough deep cleaning. I always seem to take those comments as personal that I should have already have done something about whatever the comment is about. Man, I am still an oversensitive clod sometimes LOL. Well, I am just a baby in sobriety. Six years is hardly a long time. It is a beginning.

Addition to the early posting about the six years ago segment:
Sometimes, when I would order my rusty nails, they wouldn't taste right. They would take on a musty flavor...like bad or old Dramboie. The drinks on the 14th had that flavor. I remember thinking that they tasted really bad as I choked them down. I remember thinking that I, for once, could drink all that I wanted and no one would try and stop me or condemn me. I had even gotten a bottle of scotch and one of Dramboie for my room so that I could drink there after I was done with the bar. I continued the cycle of fantasize and drink....for the whole rest of the day and into the night.

3/13/05

2005-03-13T07:14:00.000-08:00

It was a busy day at the Plunder. The building faith that this might be enough to compensate for the cash flow problem prompts hope. I need to keep the feet on the ground, but it might be okay to stretch the neck upwards towards low hanging clouds....just a bit. I got to work on the change in the yearly nutty time, too. Instead of taking my birthdays off, I will work. I thought about it as I scheduled both days and it is in line with my other works to not follow the same pattern that has been my trek for the last five birthdays. I will still see Clean and Sober sometime during the day, but it will not be the central activity of the day. I will still go to a meeting and read Chapter five and a Vision for You, but not all day. I will join humanity as a whole...and the nuts that come into the Plunder LOL. It felt good to make that change, even though there is pain in having to work. Trish and Jake came by work and saw me running around. It was like the early days of the Plunder to have her come in like that. I have missed that moment when I look up to the door and she is hallowed by the sun behind her. She was a vision coming into the store yesterday. God, thank you.

Six years ago.
I guess you almost get used to pain. I am not sure of that, but I know I almost ignored the agony, scraping bones, pounding head, and blurry eyes to rise once more to get ready for the trip to Tacoma to get the car tested. Somehow, I had gotten it in my head that Tacoma was the only place where I could get this done. I also had come to the conclusion that running the car with more expensive gas (as I had done since leaving home) would have solved the emissions problem. I got enough together for the day trip and headed out for the two hour drive. I was also wary that I was going to the belly of the beast and might be spotted. I was fearful of seeing anyone I knew or being spotted by Jan or the kids. I was terrified that I would have to explain what I had done. I wasn't remorseful about leaving....I was just terrified at being caught. Kinda like drunk driving. I was not worried about the driving...just the getting caught. Driving with the shakes is challenging. Feeling the jelly fishes climb my ankles onto my calves and up towards the knees is torture. I had to stop several times on the trip to shoo the beasts from my legs. I was sure I was the center of attention at the rest stops, but I had no choice but to get rid of the beasts so that I could continue to Tacoma. I remember the relief blended with foreboding as I left Interstate five at the Mt. Rainier exit to move to the testing station. My head, still pounding, must have looked like a bobble head doll combined with a mix master. I was looking all around to see if anyone I knew would spot the not-so-subtle red metro while still trying to ease the jarring sensation of my brain oozing out through my ears. I needed a drink and my mouth was dry as a desert. I remember hearing the words that the car failed again and they gave me all the paperwork I needed to get a variance. I struggled to pose the "normal" as the guy stared at me. I was paranoid almost to the point of just dropping everything and running down the street. It took several minutes to read and reread the instructions while sitting in the car to understand what I had to do. I went to a car station that I didn't know. They were on the paperwork. The guy was to do what he could for $150 and then verify that I had attempted to get the car fixed. If it still couldn't pass emissions, I would still get my tags. It was to take about four hours to work on the car because I was something like the fourth car in line. I left the car and walked down to a hotel nearby. Hotels have lounges. Hotels have lounges that open early for the businessman booze hounds like I had been. I had a lousy book that I had read several times already so I almost looked "normal" as I did my best "casual bored walk" into the bar. The bartender, I'm sure today, saw the desperation, but I didn't think he did six years ago. I strained to keep from dashing to the bar and screaming to give me a drink. I remember that desperation - that utter, uncontrollable, homage to the drink -- the reverence of entering the sanctuary of "The Drink" -- my peace -- my escape -- my ultimate reward for my life. I was aware that I couldn't really drink too much since I had to get the car and drive back to Longview (a two hour drive). I had to drink with moderation and think of what could cover the odor so that the service man and testing station people wouldn't spot me. That other torture...the attempt at not releasing the beast in me. The torture of slowly drinking in a small amount so that I could quell the pain, but look "normal" when I left. I have no idea how much I drank that day. I do know that I got out of there, got the car, failed the test, got the variance, and headed south. I remember the release of emotion as I got to the motel in Longview. Sweat was pouring down my face. I would pick up the tags the next day. The terror of returning toTacoma was over. The crap about spending money to get the car fixed (it wasn't fixed...only two and half cylinders worked out of three) and the test variance secured was over. Super Bowl victors don't feel half the emotion as I did at that moment of turning the key to the room. I was free. It was time to really cut loose all the stuff I had held in "so successfully" that day -- even if the mechanic had thrown the spark plugs at me since I hadn't changed them in over one hundred thousand miles -- even though the testing personnel seemed strangely distant and wary talking with me. I was free to party. I do not remember getting back to the room that night. I don't remember much after entering the now familiar bar as a triumphant returning warrior.

3/12/05

2005-03-12T06:21:00.000-08:00

I have begun the habit of taking at least one of my days off as a day of rest. I am enjoying it and I believe it is a healing for me. Yesterday, I did some computer things, took a nap, did a meeting, and did some reading.....then, well, I did do some housework and cooked dinner for Beloved. I really enjoy that. There is something joyful about doing something for someone "just because".

Did some 12 step work with a person I met on a site. He is new to computers and IM, but is learning rapidly. The important thing was that I was able to work with someone in a way other than face to face. I do the web site, but I have not done some direct word to word stepping on the web in a while. It felt good to reflect back to him what he said. He did the work. I just, basically, listened. I had tried to reject the idea of working in IM or chat earlier in the day ....damn contempt prior to investigation shit thrown right back at me LOL.....the force in action...again. I gotta keep it open. Part of that old behavior. Man, that stuff is insidious.

Six years ago...
The third day of pancreatitus attack and because of the alcohol, not getting any easier....but so much for caring. I had to get back into Washington to fix the car. Time was working against me, and so was my wallet. Pain, or no pain; I checked out and headed back to Longview. It wasn't a long drive, but the pain prompted a stop. I slept in the car at a rest stop north of Vancouver, then completed the trek to Longview and the City Center Motel. I even got the same room. I medicated the pancreatitus and they were glad to see me (tips must have been down). I tipped big for two reasons.....for them to let me do what I wanted (like over drink my "limit") and for them to like me so they would pour my drinks heavy. It was always about what I could get for something that meant little to me. Money was always just a means to get me my stuff. Always me. I got a map of the western United States and plotted a tentative route. I figured five days to where I would select a good place to hide and drink myself out. It would be just south of Phoenix. Hot and ugly. Just right. I was weak, sick, and yet managed to close the place down that night. I know I made it back to the room, but not in style. The key to the room was left in the door. The maid gave it to me the next morning. She was the only one not happy to see me back. I had declined in any form of caring about and for myself. Now, I was on my way out. Money had dropped considerably. The prospect of living under a bridge in a Metro was ominous, but fitting. I wanted to be as pathetic at the end as I could be....and that looked about right.

3/11/05

2005-03-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what was worse, the shakes, the bone chill, the pounding brain, or the pancreatitus attack's second day. It was a tossup...and that was no thrill either. That morning had to be one of the worst I can remember. The motel cabin heat had failed. I was sick from the pancreatitus and the self medication. Interesting, the thing that stands out, though, was the mental despair; the utter hopelessness of loneness that crept over me like the imaginary jelly fish I began to see. The bone chill simply took me to a new level of crying. I think it was more like wailing. And then came the terror of being discovered by the front desk worker. I had not taken the best care the cabin room. The soiled clothes strewn about, the waste basket emitting a rather foul stench, and the empty cans all combined to make a bit of a mess. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking of the holocaust victims as I stared at my reflection. Not quite the picture of freedom from care after leaving my life behind me. I also remember thinking of how I would be found after I died. I remember thinking of how the family would all love me and feel terrible about how I had never gotten the recognition for all my sacrifices for them. I pictured the sad, glorious funeral with all the people mourning the passing of their hero.....me. I knew they would all be sorry for me and would honor me. I think I even smiled....I know I did inside. Yep, sitting there - matted hair, darkened and bloodshot eyes, sheets and blanket dotted with vomit, pale and pasty skin still damp from the cold sweats -- the savior of the family -- the last of the Ramstead line. Solution to the whole picture? Yep, grab the cleanest clothes I had left and drag them on. I know I didn't shower. I know I looked (and probably smelled) horrible, but I got dressed. I remember hurting pretty bad when I put on my coat with those shaking hands. The jelly fish starting to cling to my ankles and calves. I had to get a drink. I had drained the supplies in the room. Out I went. The mental picture of the Antartic explorers returned. I went to the corner store and boat wine -- it weighed less than beer -- and took it back to the room. Then, after stopping the shakes and sights, I headed to the Barn.....hurting like hell, but determined to drown everything. I stayed the rest of the day, planning my return to Longview. I would have to get the tags for the car and get on my way to Arizona. I wanted to die there, not here.

Sheesh. I should have written this first. I walked through my procrastination enough to call Mom. It had been almost two weeks and I began to feel that old pain of isolationism. I think I was also afraid I would have to do something for her. I believe I have a full plate even though there is space available if I pray for it. She is remembering (with the help of Donna) the parts of time after she fell to the present. I know she fears alsheimer's disease, and doubts her memory. Yes, she is ninety, but it's a little late to worry about how she will go...LOL. It sometimes troubles me that she didn't do chemo after her breast surgery, but she didn't want to go through the agony at ninety. It is her right to maintain her comfort since she will not survive anyway. Her couch had not arrived, but she is okay. We laughed about Bill closing the garage door. It hadn't been closed since 1969. Dad had broken the lift spring and the damn thing weighs a ton. Well, it's closed, now. I think that is what caused that minor earthquake the other morning. I let her know that we will be coming up to see her soon. She seemed joyful at that thought. We spoke of the next steps. I will be getting an appraiser to look at the house and prepare some recommendations for mom and I to review. I want it to be her decision as to what we do to the house to sell it. She is realistic enough to know that the house will probably be destroyed because of the property value. She amazes me.

The Plunder plodded through another mid-week day. Our sales actually suffer when the valley weather is too good. People don't feel the need to escape the coast when the valley prompts yard work and fun in the spring. Well, the weekend is close.

Trish had a better day with Carol and our evening was fun. The family entertained us as we both spent computer time and watched a bit of news. Pretty kewl stuff. I felt that peace of no expectations return. I need to grab that feeling and hold it close. It is the serenity visiting my consciousness. The writing of the days leading up to the fifteenth continues to be therapeutic, but draining. The old notes I find recounting some of the details bring tears of gratitude that I don't have to live that again. Even those early days, weeks, and months when I wrote the notes as part of the first four steps. I even found mom's first letter after I called her. I'd forgotten it in the back folds of my 3rd edition. Man, I can remember thinking how cool it would be to have a big book that looked all old ad raggedy. Well, that third edition doesn't look new anymore LOL.

3/10/05

2005-03-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the Plunder was busy enough to keep us floating, but not prosperity. It is kind of strange to consider exactly what my expectations are for the business. I just wanted to create something that was fun to be part of....whether customer or "partner". It is a gratifying that the store has gained a certain reputation for being a fun and comfortable place to shop. It also is known for being an attraction which seems to add to the experience. Ego or not, I feel good about it....too bad it isn't really a profitable enterprise (at least in the material sense). Hey, I never wanted to be rich...just loved....well? LOL
I have to admit that it is fun to be there and have people enjoy the stuff and the whole experience. There is a certain joy that I get to share with so many. This troll is blessed.

Trish is cruising down the ebay addiction. I have seen new clothing and made some less than subtle comments.....because they are good looking on her, but I know we will have some consequences despite the road signs on this narrow alley. We will have to travel a bit further before she sees the dead end herself. Some lessons are more painful than others. I wonder if I should say more, but I gotta let her find her own way since I am down my own path with the computer...the only difference is the cost on a daily basis in dollars.

Six years ago today. I checked the old notes in the big book. I had forgotten how painful today had been. It was a cold and rainy day six years ago. My pancreatitus blasted me. I was wrenched by the gut pain. I remember the cold sweats and agony. That knife twisted with each breath and movement. Sleep was impossible. Movement shear torture. But, I couldn't stay sober....I had to relieve that pain....had to bury it...drown it as soon as possible. I remember the cold wind on the walk to the Red Barn that morning. It was that bone cold that attacks even the most insulated coat. It went through the fabric and added to the misery already being experienced because of the gut ache. I think of the term, "trudge", and it seemed to be like those old movies of plodding through the deep snow to the distant lighted cabin. That is what it felt like....a desperate plunge into the elements in search of comfort and relief....in my case, oblivion. I remember struggling to the stool and ordering. I remember the soft voice trying to cover the agony. I remember how that drink took a million years to arrive and how fast I had to drink the first half so that I could do my cover and order a refill on top. It was that old "trick" of odering a double on a quad. I could get a full double tumbler full for the real drink...the second one and those after....that was the "secret" to getting the maximum affect for the amount (of course this was stupid...but hey...you were a drunk, remember???). I also remember that there was not pain relief for 20 or so minutes....but pacing the drinks was torture of a different kind...it was so close...but relief was so far away. And then, the unfortunate little oops.....I drank a bit too fast and plop....the old bar stool dive. God, I hated that little problem of "falling asleep" at the bar and falling out of the stool onto the floor. It, of course, didn't matter on the way down because I was out cold. It was just nasty waking up in a rather uncomfortable position....usually between the stools. This time, I didn't hit my head on the floor....remember that one? I had done that before...the stitches were interesting to excuse when you aren't drinking (at least that was the constant lie to the world and the family). I remember the bartender asking me if I was okay, and I said something about the flu and not sleeping well. She wanted me to order food and I did.....just as long as I could drink while the food came. The old trick of drinking while just playing with the food worked to cover things until the room got a bit blurry. I staggered back to the room and stayed there for the afternoon. The pain subsided and so, naturally, I went back and closed the place. Man, I remember that day more clearly than others....I think the pain seemed to make it last in my memory a bit more clearly than other days.

3/9/05

2005-03-08T20:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was fairly easy. The morning was busy on the computer and on some house work. In other words, I successfully avoided making those calls again. Man, I'm gonna have to inventory this thing. Anyway, I got some good posts done.
Work was interesting. I dealt with an angry dealer. It was a case of deciding just how much it would be worth to be right. The dealer was dead wrong, but to win I might lose. It was that classic case that I remember in the steps.....better serene than right. The dealer was moving out anyway, so my gain would have been a goose egg...and my loss...well, it would have just been nasty to point out how wrong she was....so, I let it go. It felt pretty good.
Six years ago......I was just miserable and getting to the point that the booze didn't even taste...it just went down to do it's work. The work just wasn't fun or even satisfying. It was draining the resources with the car yet to be fixed and tagged. It was just a fugitive feeling added to the pile of crap I was carrying after so many years of self imposed misery. I still flogged myself in pitiful display of self loathing, but it was getting to be like bad opera.

3/8/05

2005-03-08T06:45:00.000-08:00

Centering was the mode for the day. Internal system seemed to be just off a click and I needed to get it back in sync. I was avoiding the little things that needed to happen. Of course, they didn't happen because of that, too. Shashi didn't get his proposal yet. Mom didn't get her phone call. Laci didn't get her phone call. Sigh.. It was real avoidance of little things that shouldn't have bothered me. They did, however, in a big way. I will walk through that stuff today.
Computer stuff seemed to wear on me. I made an effort to work on me away from the keyboard for part of the day. It worked until a person spotted a problem with the home page. When I downloaded it, I lost the whole link bar and had to reconstruct it. What a drag. Took the permanent fix.
Six years ago, the day was a trivia and drinking day at the Red Barn. I remember sleeping in the afternoon and going back in the evening. I was invited to join the team that had taken the nationals away from me up in Washington. We ripped...at least I remembered that we did....we probably didn't LOL . I remember sitting in the room late at night. I cried in a pool of self pity. I was lonely. I know I blamed God for all my misery. I remember the tears streaming down as I felt as though I had wrongly been sentenced to an iceberg with no hope of returning to land. The bottom was coming up to meet me, but I wasn't done yet. The pain wasn't bad enough yet. Man, was I stubborn? LOL Ouch.

3/7/05

2005-03-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

Pirate's Plunder cruised almost like on autopilot. The business seems to find it much more than before. Perhaps, it is the ease of allowing it to run rather than feeling like I had to pull it along. The money thing will just have to go along as it needs to. We will survive this month, but another bump may push us over the edge. It will be an adventure.

Home was interesting. My mind still plays old tapes at times. This situation was that I expected Trish to be crawling all over me in passionate gratitude for me being "good" while she was gone. I expected her to lavish me with constant reassurance that we were locked in an even more strengthened relationship. As the day played out and she did what was important to her, and I sat there with my teeth in my mouth, I spoke up to set my intentions for the night. Right after that, I felt as though I was pushing her. I don't like that idea and so I went crazy. Yep, right up the wall. The brain turned on and started racing. She would reject me. She didn't love me after coming back from New York. What had I done? Why do I think I deserve her attention? LOL......right up the wall and over the entire ceiling with goo. Finally, before bed, I started to explain what me head was doing. As has been the case for years now, she smiled. She understood how my mind worked. We shared the joy of insane thinking and settled into that mental intimacy that steps provide us.
Six years ago, I headed for Portland on Sunday. I checked into a cabin style motel off a side avenue. I shopped for some beer and liquor for when the bar had shut down. I found the Red Barn -- the home of the trivia team that had been my nemesis for several years. It was located just up the block from the motel -- easy stagger (walk). Set in motion to slip into the bar and start playing without revealing my true identity. Drank and played for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, I got hungry and ate a sandwich which makes me sleepy. Had to get back to the motel to sleep it off. Came back that night and played till closing. Lute Jerstad's name plate was on the chair that I sat in. Thoughts of Chet Ulin and all the adventures of San Juan flooded my head. I also remember thinking about Dad and how he would be upset because I abandoned my responsibilities. Another disappointment in a long list.

3/6/05

2005-03-06T04:41:00.000-08:00

I am realizing that I am more accustomed to the economic woes of the Plunder than others. I apparently have become used to the idea that we live on the edge of cash flow disaster. While accepting a rent check, yesterday, the dealer mentioned that I could hold the check and extra day and they wouldn't mind. I handed them their check and said the same thing. We exchanged looks and laughed. She just didn't know we were in that situation and was not worried, but wanted to help. Weird. I would have expected them to run for the high country. They were shook up, but not panicked or anything. Sympathetic was more accurate. I guess the promise of not being fearful of economic insecurity has come true....and might even spread with honesty......okay, maybe some openness might need tempering until conditions improve a bit. LOL

The day passed rapidly due to business. The noon meeting was fairly well attended with many familiar faces.

Trish was home by eleven and loving all the kids by 11:01.

My memory of six years ago for the weekend is a blank. It must have stayed in the routine of drink/sleep without other activities of any significance. I do remember the loneliness, but only as a general comment of the time. That just reminded me to call mom and Laci today.

3/5/05

2005-03-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

A day of cleaning. Trish comes home today and I wanted the place looking good for her. It wasn't all that strenuous, but constant movement felt pretty good. Thoughts of exercise really popped in my head. As the weather gets better, it sounds good.
I had lots of thoughts of calling mom and the kids. I hesitated for some reason and decided to allow that to mull in my head for a day. Not sure about it. The kids were rambunctious. They must sense something of anticipation in me.
Six years ago....I have no memory of the day....I must not have done too much (big surprise).
Even the meeting was fairly flat and without emotion.

3/4/05

2005-03-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday seemed almost like "autopilot". After finding the ghost company in the books, the program adjusted, and the entries made, the day slid by with little event.

Trish called and said that she had resolved her issues and was "making the best" of her trip. The prospect of a dinner at Sardi's and seeing Chicago didn't hurt.

Val came by and shared her problem with Sue not understanding her instructions. I was reminded of the many times I had heard Val's explanation of how someone had misunderstood her. It never seemed to be Val's fault. This time, it bit her. I did a bit of a prayer on that one for her.

Offered the bookstore people a couple of spaces for their books. They told me of their sales problems in the back. It was a combination of John increasing their rent and my store's "hogging" the customer traffic. I offered Dave W.'s name for them to contact on how to be successful as a mall book vendor.

Looking at what I see above tells me the serene part of yesterday was because I was out of me and into other people. Same lesson -- different day.

Six years ago....
First, I think this is really good that I am putting this down. I needed to put down the memories before they fade. Okay...
Six years ago...It was the day that I made a three drunk day. I drank breakfast in the room watching television. I drank lunch at a different restaurant than the one next to the motel. I remember the anguish of the realization that I would never see my family again, and then shoving that thought down into the glass. I remember that I got to play my computerized national trivia and seeing the "Red Barn" group beat me out yet one more time. I had developed quite a resentment about those guys. I heard something about them being a Portland team at a bar with the same name. I made a mental note to go by and "get" those guys. I remember swelling with pride as my name appeared as the national points leader for that year to date. God, I'd almost forgotten that moment of ego bolstering that allowed me to feel like I had finally found my fame in the world. What folly. Man, I'd almost forgotten about that. Anyway, after "lunch" I returned to my room and then went to dinner. I remember the woman noting my entrance and pouring my four shot before I sat down. Quad Rusty Nails had always been notworthy of bartender attention. It was another one of those little things to make sure they new how important I was. I so much wanted to be admired and remembered.....well, I'm sure I was. But, not quite for the reasons I imagined at the time. At nine dollars a drink, those rusty nails made an impact -- on the wallet and on the coffers of the bar. I do remember noting that I wanted to be both invisible and remembered. I think I even wondered about that for a while. The night passed.

3/3/05

2005-03-03T06:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a study in faith. The money problems at the Plunder continue, but the day's sales were significantly above last year yielding as much relief as possible.

Trish called from New York. She is struggling to have a good time because her roommate and companion on the trip is locked into a heavy expectation pattern. When things don't go as the companion had planned, the friend rages. Trish is trying to "go with the flow" of events on a vacation while her friend's ego blows new holes in the universe. She has two more days and then comes home. She also hopes to catch a few more meetings in the Big Apple. I find myself almost chuckling while I listen to her. It reminds me of several family trips where me, as the father, built the ironclad itinerary...very much like the Griswald family...only to have my drinking take center stage as the itinerary base.

Six years ago, the day was right in line with others of that week. Wake up, drink, sleep, then drink again. I remember the cold....the bone cold mornings. That cold that doesn't shake even after a hot shower. The warm of the scotch warmed me, but nothing else seemed to touch that ice inside. It was torturous attempting to find the inner solace that had so easily once been attainable. The downward spiral accelerated as the loneness became chronic. I was turning my back on the last of humanity as I had turned my back on me so many years before. I remember wishing the earth would just swallow me up so that I would be one of those nameless vacant eyed insane patients in a mental ward. I knew enough about the disease to know that I might end up there. I was ready for the the fate to roll over me and be done with it. No hope, only dispair.

Someone commented yesterday that they needed to hear about "what happened, and what it's like now" as part of my journal....I will get there. I will say that I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams (on the highs of the drunks/using). I have found peace and love ....and most of all, I have found faith in a Higher Power and AA. Those two things saved my life and teach me how to live today in joyous freedom. Perfect? Not a chance. Troubles? Well, yes - but nothing that God can't guide me to accept as part of my learning. Okay? LOL

3/2/05

2005-03-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

Six years ago I cleaned my car. I took all the change that I found buried under the crap collected over time, and cleaned it in the motel sink. I emptied out all the papers, unpaid bills, unopened bills, and fast food wrappers. I vacuumed the carpet and cleaned the floor mats. I cleaned the inside of the windows and put protection on all the vinyl. Then, as the coins were drying on towels, the floor, and the bed; I drank myself back into oblivion. I walked back to the motel room and slept on the bed covered with change. It didn't seem to matter. After I awoke, I collected all the change into one place. After reviewing all the old bills and papers, I threw them away. I separated the coins that had dried and put them in baggies that I had from the car (they were my emergency bathroom from those after work "on the way home" drinking stops -- I sure got thirsty on the way home). I went back to the restaurant and drank dinner. I was getting comfortable with the path from the motel to the restaurant and back. It emboldened me to push the edge even further before traversing the sober world back to my rented cave.

Trish called from New York. She is having fun despite her contrary roommate. She attended a meeting with only ten people at it. I thought New York would yield larger meetings, but maybe not all of them are held in Carnegie Hall LOL.

I walked through the fear of taking the checks into the Plunder and worked through the day wearing out the serenity prayer. I did remain calm and even rented a space. Good stuff...Thank you, God. Thank you.

3/01/05

2005-03-01T07:32:00.000-08:00

With all that is happening -- Trish traveling back to NY in a snow storm, the financial mess that is the Plunder, mom and all her "stuff"....here it comes...another year. It struck me last night...right between the years. Six years ago, I was "on the road". I had already left Tacoma for the first time and was drinking in Longview. Someplace in here....a day or two in here someplace, there was the trip to Portland. I am having trouble with the details of all that. I have to keep it fresh. I never want to forget those last days. I never want to forget that cold....that bone chilling cold. I never want to forget the lonely motel rooms. I never want to forget the abandonment to the disease....the complete loss of any self deluded dignity left in me. It was on the first that I moved the escape to Longview. I was afraid of being found in Olympia. It was too close to Tacoma. I was drinking as much as I could each day. I wanted to numb the mind....to kill whatever soul I had left. I had the complication of the car not passing emissions that prevented me from renewing the tags so that I could leave for Arizona. The car tags would expire at the end of March and that would cause attention; especially a car with Washington plates in Arizona. I couldn't have that. I couldn't get caught by the police. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to die alone and invisible. So, Longview would be my "base" for right now. I would clean the car out and drink. That was the plan. I knew I would have to go back to Tacoma to pass emissions, but that was something for tomorrow....today, was to be a drinking day. The little restaurant right next to the City Center Motel in Longview provided a great spot to drink. I didn't have to drive there and I could drink more since it was close. Money was not an issue. The savings bonds that I had taken from house provided "unlimited" funding for my pursuit of oblivion.

2/28/05

2005-02-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

How strange it is to entertain drunks. The wine and seafood festival allowed many "escapees" onto the streets and into the Plunder. I love it when people complain about having to wait for two to four hours to get into a tent to drink wine (they never mention the food). I consider the big picture; it took me almost 32 years to get to the prospect of a tent being a good place to drink wine. If the whole process of dropping to a bottom could be reduced down to two to four hours, it would certainly increase the prospect for quick recovery. I also loved it when these obviously drunk people attempted to appear sober. They would do the old, "I can't stop swaying, but I'll make it look natural" bit to the music (even when the music was off). It cracked me up when they would slur their words and my help couldn't understand them. I became the interpreter for the mob of aromatic revilers. Oh, the sales were good, but some of them had no idea what they bought or how much they were spending (been there, done that). I did watch carefully and did not allow a drunk behind the wheel (at least knowingly). Only one nasty guy (at least he thought he was....Amateur). It's hard to look like a bad ass wearing a polo shirt and Birkonstocks.

With financial disaster hours away, Trish heading for New York, and the Shashi proposal still spinning in my head; well, it should be an interesting week.

2/27/05

2005-02-27T07:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, it was busy, but disjointed day. The financial thing hit the Plunder with both feet. Trish is packing for her trip and finally getting enthused. I am facing the added responsibilities around the house and the business woes and going a bit nuts. Time for more of the faith that I have been building up the reserve account about. I put all the emotions on hold until I brought up the faith in my head. I needed the serenity to see what was actually facing me rather than the instant chaos I so readily can visualize on my own. There were some things that I can control and need to adjust my thinking into the mode of changing them....the rest will be as it is. As has been proven so often to me over the past years, the program, tools, and faith work. I can see some pathways that I can take and keep things in perspective. Sigh....another opportunity for spiritual growth....and another call to Rick.

2/026/05

2005-02-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

Mom is amazing. She called last night about donating her car. She hasn't called me in over a year. I have been the one to call. She is refinding her independence. Her grief process of loosing her house is moving along. She seemed at peace about the car even though this was another sign of her independence. She is not broken, just full of the faith that all will be as it should be and all will work out.....as always. She laughed last night. She even kidded me about politics...good grief.

Yesterday passed without major thought storm. No plaguing issues, although I didn't call or email Shashi. That will come this next week as I put the rest of the proposal together. It could wait for a day of rest. I was surprised at just how tired I had become. Rest seems to mean more.

2/25/05

2005-02-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

Thursday was Friday this week and it sure felt like it. The day was fairly fast, with fairly nice folks just trying to have a good time. Jim F. was a bit of a pain, but his intentions are good. Isn't it odd how that seems to matter these days. Motives are more apparent, and their importance overshadows the actual actions when strain takes over. Is that patience? I think it may be more empathy. Of course, I have to balance the motives with the action's impact on others. If his actions are innocent, but cause others discomfort, then intent matters little. Interesting inventory here. I am looking inside to my own past to understand what goes on with Jim. I see the boundaries that must be drawn when I couldn't see them in my own behavior while "out there". Is is a blessing from the program? Perhaps.

The evening was passive and peaceful with some computer fun, a light dinner, and some reading. Even a bit of chat time filtered in. Today......busy. Trish seems so calm about her upcoming trip. I do not comprehend how she does that....must be revealed later.......I can wait.

2/24/05

2005-02-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

Mornings are flying by. The phone calls just don't seem quite important enough to get off the computer. The dishes get done and the kids get fed, but not too much more than that some days. The day off on Monday doesn't feel like enough. The mornings off seem to be compensated by the longer nights at the shop. Interesting how the values change. Early in life, it was all ambition, career and future. Now, it is the off time that means more than any career development. Abundance has a whole new meaning in my life. That warm, comfortable feeling of contentment is present so much more than ever before in my life. Sometimes, I just pause and marvel at how different life is in sobriety. It is at those moments that gratitude grows. It helps to balance those seconds of discontent that creep in every so often.

2/23/05

2005-02-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

There are times when I seem to want worry or trouble. It is that old behavior of self loathing that says, "You don't deserve continued happiness." It creeps into the consciousness almost without being noticed. It seems to start with a spark about one very small issue, then blooms into several others. Soon, I have amassed a bulge of issues that pushes the light from my vision. What is left is dark, foreboding, and ominous. The process can take only minutes to go from "okay" to "immanent disaster".
Of course, it is all a mental game. It is not real. Thank God, I can see that today. That is one of the greatest gifts. God allows me to pause, breath, and then put things into perspective. The distance allows me to see the path through my self-proclaimed mine field. Even though this phase takes longer than a minute or two, it is certainly less than the days and weeks I would use to obsess on disaster in the past. Faith in God that all will be as it should be inevitably is my tool. And, it works.

2/22/05

2005-02-22T07:04:00.000-08:00

It was a day of rest and fun. I played. I did a bit of escape -- no Shashi call on the new proposal, no mom call to fix this or that. Just a day to have some fun with the family. Trish, still somewhat buried in Ebay, came up for breath long enough to share the sunshine in the afternoon and a dinner out. Computer stuff was kewl, but not overdone. Egads, it was almost "Moderate" in amount. Not a word that comes easily to this alcoholic/addict. Even the meeting was mellow. Well, why not? Just another step in the loving care of oneself that I still must learn. Taking care of oneself should not be an event, but the norm. Now, that thought takes me back to those early days when pride would include bills being paid on time for the first time in 30 plus years. LOL
Progress, not perfection.

2/21/05

2005-02-21T09:06:00.000-08:00

Three day weekends seem to be more exciting then they were in that prior life. It struck me that I have had only one job that was Monday through Friday in my life. It was that first "real" job at Western Farmers. Every job since has been odd days, split days, travel injected, erratic, and non-routine in nature. I was thinking of dad yesterday and he was of an era of the five day a week jobs that allowed focus on recreation, family, and spiritual pursuits to be the "norm" for people. So much has changed since those days. There is an ad on TV about vacations. I had over six months of vacation and sick time accumulated at Jack when they finally wised up about the drunk that had grown in their embrace. The whole attitude towards vacations and leisure had changed, at least for me. Maybe it was the disease. I had to achieve. I had to do better. I "had to" do so many things that I learned to forget the "would love to" things. That helped foster the "I deserve this" feelings of justification for those drinking sprees. "After all, I've given my life to the family." Crapola ! LOL I was just drinking for me. I can look back at the folly without hating. Those were learning days. I had to do and feel all that to learn what today can be. And dad's era......gone like the many species no longer on this earth.

Today, a day of planning, rest, and adventure. Monday off. Interesting times.

2/20/05

2005-02-20T06:57:00.000-08:00

A rather disconcerting business day. Business was brisk, but John had not been part of Shashi's communication and, in fact, had been raising tenant rents. So, Shashi was putting one tenant in competition with his employee to see which concept is (in his opinion) more viable. Well, ego.....take that! LOL Here I was, thinking that Shashi was so taken with my achievements that he had "anointed" me to "save" Aquarium Village yet one more time. Oh man, the ego of an alcoholic can be triggered by a match stick. LOL Well, after I got my ego back down to the size of Alaska, I realized that I could still pursue the enterprise, but this time with my eyes open LOL

Trish is still deep into the Ebay obsession. She worked into the deep evening after dinner on God knows what on that site. I do have to admit that I am tempted to hide the credit card numbers while she is in this mode. God knows what might start arriving through the mail. LOL Well, that is one of the joys of two addicts in the same family. We know and tend to accept the other. I said "tend" on purpose LOL

2/19/05

2005-02-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

The world turned slowly yesterday. I took a day of rest. Some computer time, an old movie, and some naps made up the day. I let the new mall concept sit. It is a miracle that I can do that these days. Before, the head would spin at 1000 miles per hour, even though I needed to let it idle. Oh, it can still take off, but I can also release it -- at least when it isn't being stressed. Yesterday, it was not a stress day. It was a find peace day.

The evening was peaceful, too. Trish and I both lounged and rested. Interesting event in these days of action.

2/18/05

2005-02-18T09:13:00.000-08:00

Okay...I'm officially nuts. Shashi came into the Plunder and all but handed me the keys to starting the artisan's mall. Betty and Vern are all set. The major parts of the concept look okay. Can it make money? Who knows. Vern and Betty are leary only of me not wanting anything out of the venture but fun. I will have to probably do something, like be a consultant or something, but I don't want them to get tangled in my tax thing. I make enough amends already. I don't want two major ones on my hands. Next right thing? Stay out my head, and be there for them. Stay in their best interests. Build the concept for the guests and the owners. Just have faith that all will be as it should be. Still, the whole thing of Shashi seeking me out for this really sets me into a weird place.

Gavin sent me his now website for his computer service. I almost cried. He is just such a miracle. He may be clawing his way into life. The affects of so much work. His character and spirit pierce my heart. I still have some guilt crap about that boy. Even though we have traveled down the path, I seem to want to hold onto some or the guilt and shame. Gotta let that go......selfish/self-centered. He is happy.

Trish is now officially addicted to surfing Ebay. She has let it now interfere with our life. She wanted to surf rather than eat dinner last night. Intervention? Just a hint and love. Some patience, but not enabling....at least too far. Prayers.

2/17/05

2005-02-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

Humbled. Flattened. Just plain squashed. It was a day of progress and surprises. First, the realization that I had turned in some truly jerky behavior that stepped all over several people's feet....stomping on their toes without even thinking twice about the arrogance. I hate it when the windows flash open and the sun blinds me. I wince. I slam my eyes shut in pain and slowly adjust to the spray of ligtht. Same thing. I hurt, then I walk back through ten through twelve. I strayed from HP and took up residence in that overcrowded cavern between my ears. The amends were not all that bad. In fact, the earth felt good between my toes again. I got busy to help others and left Bob alone for a while.

Betty and Val are no longer compatible. In fact, Betty wants to avoid Val altogether. Time to move into a spring schedule anyway. It might be signaling a time for change. I had to make a choice......Betty is more other directed...she stays. Hmmmm, seems to be a trend in message for the day.

I find the oven on. It had been on since 6 p.m. last night. I call Trish to share my discovery and we share a laugh. I had cooked dinner. Another opportunity to enjoy the foibles of my life lately.

All was moving in a positive direction with consciousness on the other. Bam, Mr. Sashi blasts through the front door of the Plunder. My mind races to the fear. It screams that he is there to demand the late rent or payment of the long term loan. I am occupied with customers and stay that way while my hard drive brain smashes into error ridden territory. I am going to be thrown out. The Plunder will be closed. He wants all of his money today. I am sure that all these things are about to happen. I realize that my brain just took me away from the faith I had just finished renewing. How fragile I was yesterday. I mentally restated my third step prayer. I finished with the customer and approached him. He was complimentary about the business. He heaped praise on the Plunder for about five minutes straight. He was bubbling with happiness. He asked me to help him with replacing Pegasus Candy. He needs a business on the corner as a stopper. He was saying that I should develop a concept and he would finance the venture if I spearhead it. There are many expressions that come to mind....knocked over with a feather, bowled over by a ping pong ball, or even rolled up like a cheap carpet. From panic of fear, to panic to organize my thoughts in a limited time frame. I even had a concept in my pocket that should work...with the right combination. Luck...that juncture of preparation and opportunity. HP has been messing around again. What a day!

Long post, but quite a day. It looks like a busy week ahead in many ways. HP has been at it again. Just when I feel comfortable....actually too comfortable ...... slam, bam, wham.....here we go again.

2/16/05

2005-02-16T07:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I enjoyed some videos and rested. I didn't even to a lot on the computer. Nice, pleasant day. Trish and I had a great talk about intimacy with each other. We are learning to allow the other to see within....to the real. It is work. It is like an extended fifth step with some of the same trust issues. It is far more threatening than physical intimacy for me. I wonder why? I think that maybe the mental intimacy affects the physical....and not the other way around. I believe woman have operated on that plane for years.......hmmm. That was more of an epiphany than I would really like to admit. I think I have sought intimacy through my life by pursuing physical first with the prospect of trusting each other based on the amount offered during sex. Now, how is that for a backwards train of thought? I always espoused that I wanted to be friends and then build a relationship....but that wasn't exactly true....I was pretty much seducing and then hoping for true togetherness from that.....at least I think I might have been doing that. It does explain so much with Jan and the development of the whole family chaos thing and the mistrust between we two for thirty years. I wonder if she ever thought about that? Weird. Well, maybe this time I can correct course before I end up in the same place. Trish and I are at least working on it which is far more than Jan and I ever tried. Thanks to the program and HP for teaching us to share and accept.....even if it is one inch at a time.

02/15/05

2005-02-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

A bit later in my posting today. Yesterday was a peaceful respite from work, but not without event. Trish and and battled. Not something we relish nor share an interest in very often. It was about Jake. The window in the truck was too far down. Jake was looking to jump. I saw Tippy doing it all over again, but naturally, didn't share why I was so concerned. Trish had no way of knowing, and I didn't bother to share. Instead, I got worried and told her to raise the window a little. She resisted and suddenly, we were in an ego battle of who would be right. After she dropped Jake and me at the beach, I reviewed my anger. It was an ice cold windy day. It helped me think about the burn of the argument. I knew I would not wait for this to pass. I would make the first move and make amends. I've actually learned to do that. I then started to really get cold. The wind pierced my body while Jake and I waited for Trish to come back. My stupid genes errupted and I began to think that this was Trish's way of getting back at me over the fight we had. I let it course through me, like the wind, but I knew it probably wasn't the case. That was too passive aggressive for Trish. Jan was like that, but not Trish. Sure enough, as soon as Jake and I were in the warm truck, we talked and no....she had no such intention. Life is good.
(Jake is my present dog....Tippy was my dog when I was growing up)

2/14/05

2005-02-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday I had a headache. From the time I woke up until I went to bed. I don't think I've had more than ten in the last six years. I almost laughed when I thought about how rotten I used to feel until that first drink of the day. It had to come earlier and earlier to avoid the pain and shakes. People sometimes ask me what the DT's were like. I almost chuckle because it was like a bad dream....painful, but distant these days. The visions were the most spooky.....don't ever forget those, trollboy. Don't ever forget those. How did I survive those days? It was a miracle to just live through the pancreatitis, DT's, Morning Madness, and Inner soul destruction.
So, it was like a walk down memory lane...without the special affects. It hurt, but I was okay....of course, in my head (that dangerous little place) I didn't have just a headache. I had a brain tumor or brain cancer. I even thought my way through the will, the hospital stay, and final words to the kids and Beloved. Man, I am one sick person....I went right down the line of consequences in sequence....from "A" to "Z" in one easy lesson taking less than five minutes....what a trip. In the end, it was just a headache...not more, and certainly, no less. I even chuckled about taking aspirin....it was a relapse LOL
Okay, Okay, so I woke up this morning just fine and headache free....man, those brain tumors can self destruct on aspirin....gotta write someone about that one ....LOL